


redamancy

by cashtonglows



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Anxiety, Ashton Irwin Being an Asshole, Bartender Calum Hood, Bartender Luke Hemmings, Bisexual Ashton Irwin, Coming Out, Eating Disorders, Falling In Love, Fluff, Guitarist Michael Clifford, Homophobia, Hurt Ashton Irwin, Hurt Calum Hood, Hurt Luke Hemmings, Hurt Michael Clifford, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Luke Hemmings & Calum Hood Friendship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Michael Clifford & Ashton Irwin Friendship, Model Luke Hemmings, Panic Attacks, Photographer Calum Hood, Protective Michael Clifford, Solo Artist Ashton Irwin, Swearing, Touring, also larry are in it a bit, arzaylea is only in it for a bit, background muke, bc i love them, everybody hates modest management, he gets better dw, like ive been working on her for MONTHS, ok love u bye, ok that’s it i think, pls read this i love it, so prepare urselves ig, they both fuck up a lot so get ready, yeah uh they all get hurt sorry bout it, youngblood era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:33:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 36,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27728827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cashtonglows/pseuds/cashtonglows
Summary: redamancy (n); the act of loving one who loves you, a love returned in full—And then Calum saw him.The red curls, the golden skin and the sunshine smile. The black button down shirt with red hearts littered all over it. Calum watched as he laughed, the sound echoing throughout the room and ringing in his ears.—a really long and kind of angsty cashton fic where calum is ashton's tour photographer and maybe they fall in love along the way
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings
Comments: 15
Kudos: 29





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi hi hi!  
> uh this fic is huge. i worked on it for months n realized oh wow i should put this on ao3 to see if other people might like it! so here i am!  
> just in case you havent, please read the tags since there's some potentially triggering stuff in here. n as long as you feel comfortable continuing, i really hope you love this fic as much as i do!  
> loads of love  
> lou

Calum Hood needed a miracle.

He was pretty sure he had made the biggest mistake of his life when he moved from Sydney to Los Angeles, leaving absolutely everything he had ever known for, well, Calum didn’t exactly know. He knew he missed Australia, though. He missed his family, the fresh air, the beaches, _everything _. And, okay, LA had beaches, amongst other things to appreciate, but it just wasn’t the same. Nothing was the same, really.__

__Because everything in Calum’s life had changed when he moved. He had lost all of his friends, and he was barely able to visit his family since living in the city was a huge expense on its own. Calum had somehow managed to scrape together enough money to buy himself an apartment that was pretty much the size of a shoebox, a stark contrast from his rather large house back in Sydney._ _

__Calum supposed that some things had stayed the same, however. Like his love of photography and his hobby of playing the bass, not that he was any good. Calum still played football in his free time, too. The best thing that had stayed the same, though, was his best friend, Luke, who he had grown up with and who had, for some reason, decided to go with Calum to LA._ _

__Luke was always there to help Calum put the pieces of his life back together whenever things were falling apart. Which was right now, really._ _

__“Cal, what do you mean you want to move back home?” Luke asked, sitting down on the sofa with his friend._ _

__Calum put his head in his hands. “This was a mistake, moving here. And I dragged you into it, too!” He exclaimed, looking up at Luke. Calum was sure he looked hysterical at the moment, his hair a mess, a result of him tugging at it constantly, and his laptop open next to him, the screen showing flights to Australia._ _

__Luke put his arm around Calum’s shoulders, pulling him closer comfortingly. “Really? You think you, what, forced me to come with you?” He asked, looking down at Calum, who just shrugged weakly. “I have a backbone, Cal. I wouldn’t go across the world with you if I didn’t want to.”_ _

__Calum sighed. “But why? Why did you want to?”_ _

__“You know why. Everyone back home said I should try a job in modeling, and what better place than Los Angeles to get started?” Luke asked, not exactly looking for an answer._ _

__Calum gave one anyways, tilting his head up so his chin was resting on Luke’s chest with his arms folded under. “How about somewhere that doesn’t charge a thousand dollars for a water bottle?” He grumbled, looking away. “Or somewhere where we don’t have cute Australian accents?”_ _

__Luke pulled a strand of Calum’s black curls playfully. “Hey! I like the cute Australian accent.” He protested._ _

__“Just another reason to make me feel like I don’t belong here.” Calum complained under his breath, half hoping that Luke didn’t hear him._ _

__He did, of course. Luke heard everything. “Calum Thomas Hood, kindly shut the fuck up.” Luke said seriously, smacking Calum on the side of his head._ _

__Calum flinched and looked up at Luke, surprised. “What the hell, Luke? Sure, I’m not doing great right now, but violence isn’t the answer.”_ _

__Luke shrugged. “Yeah, but it’s an option…” He tried, trailing off when Calum raised his eyebrows. “Look, you’ve gotta stop thinking like that, Cal. Like you don’t belong here. This city is full of talented and creative people, and you sure as hell are talented and creative.”_ _

__“But am I good enough?” Calum asked, his voice quiet._ _

__Luke sat up, pushing Calum off of his chest gently. He gripped his friend’s shoulders and looked him in the eyes. Calum was a little taken aback at the intensity that was clear in Luke’s blue eyes. “You are more than this, Calum. More than just sitting in this shitty apartment and moping about not being good enough to make it out here. I’ve seen the pictures you take. They’re incredible.” Luke urged, cutting off Calum’s next words quickly. “I’m your best friend, but I wouldn’t lie to you, not when it’s something so serious. You can’t give up on this, because whatever ‘might happen’ won’t if you stop trying. You’re stronger than this.”_ _

__Calum blinked. A small, quiet, “oh” was all he could say as a response to Luke’s words._ _

__Luke nodded, taking his hands off of Calum’s frame. “I’ll take that as a ‘thank you, Luke, I’ll get up and make something of my life now.’” He said teasingly._ _

__Calum grinned. “Okay.” He responded, shutting the lid of his laptop and turning back to Luke. He wrapped his arms around his friend, who did the same. “Thank you, Luke. Really.”_ _

__“Anytime, Cal.” Luke said, pulling away from Calum and standing up from the couch, pulling Calum with him._ _

__Calum thanked Luke one last time before his friend left, complaining about having too many shifts at The Ivy, the bar that they both worked at, as he walked out. Calum just laughed and closed the door, telling him that he would see him later that night at work. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket as soon as the door shut, and he looked down at the bright screen in his hand._ _

_@ashtonirwin posted a photo. ___

____

__

____

__Calum’s heart skipped a beat. He opened his phone quickly, double tapping the new post before he even saw what it was. Calum smiled when he eventually did take in the picture, a photo that was all red curls, golden skin and a smile that resembled sunshine, if you asked Calum. He scrolled down further to read the caption, smiling wider when he did._ _

___"My face when I think about seeing you all on tour" ____ _

__God, Calum loved him._ _

______ _ _

____

______ _ _

__And, okay, Luke may say he was a bit obsessed, but could you blame him? It was Ashton Irwin, practically the entire world was obsessed with the musician. He was perfect in every way somebody could be perfect. Ashton was beautiful, kind and inspiring, especially given his Australian roots, which just gave Calum more of a reason to be hopelessly in love with him. Not to mention he had the voice of an angel, as well as being able to play the guitar, the piano and the drums expertly._ _

______ _ _

____

______ _ _

__Yeah, Calum was pretty obsessed._ _

______ _ _

____

______ _ _

__Calum also had unrealistic dreams of being Ashton’s photographer while he was touring. Luke wasn’t aware of these dreams, though, as it would probably result in more of his teasing comments towards Calum’s love for Ashton. It wasn’t like it would ever happen, anyways. Calum was realistic._ _

______ _ _

____

______ _ _

__He was exhausted, though. Sick of taking pictures, then going to work at The Ivy practically every night, then going back to taking more pictures. It just seemed like Calum’s life was on hold, like something was meant to be happening, and it just, well, it just wasn’t._ _

______ _ _

____

______ _ _

__Calum shook his head, checking his phone again for the time and jumping when he noticed he was about to be late for work. Again. He raced into his room, grabbing a sweatshirt and slipping on a pair of black vans before practically running out of the house to his car._ _

______ _ _

____

______ _ _

__As Calum drove, he heard a familiar guitar riff playing on his staticky radio. He smiled, recognizing Ashton Irwin’s new song immediately, and turned it up. Maybe Calum didn’t need a miracle. He was doing fine. Things would start to pick up with his photography eventually. He would be fine.__

Calum didn’t need a miracle, but he sure did want one. 


	2. 2

Ashton Irwin’s life was a fairytale.

It truly didn’t feel real at times. He spent his days doing what he loved, making music, and he got paid to do it. He had millions of fans all over the world, getting the chance to influence their lives in the process. Ashton had been told that he had helped people through some really tough times, and, if that wasn’t the best thing that a twenty five year old artist could hear, then he didn’t know what was.

Ashton appreciated every little thing about his life. He was always kind to the press, even if they got a little pushy at times, and he made sure that everyone at his concerts felt included. Whether that meant waving pride flags or doing something during the show that related to the city he was performing in, he hoped that everybody felt like they were represented.

Ashton’s life before his music career took off was a struggle, to say the least. His childhood was messy, along with his years in school. His family gave him shit about it, but dropping out of college to focus on music was probably the best decision Ashton had ever made. It helped him realize what he really wanted to do with his life, eventually encouraging him to leave the comfort of Australia and move to Los Angeles.

Ashton sighed, looking out the window of the car as his driver took him from a meeting where they chose which songs he would be singing on his upcoming tour, _Meet You There _. Ashton had a list of about thirty songs that he absolutely _had _to play. Needless to say the list was cut down to about ten songs, his team adding a cover and a few other songs that would be more popular on the radio. Ashton was a little disappointed if he was honest. He only had about twenty songs on the setlist now. But it was fine, really.____

____“I’m taking you home, sir?” Ashton’s driver spoke, breaking the silence that had fallen in the car._ _ _ _

____Ashton jumped at the sudden voice, earning an amused smile from his driver. Ashton laughed a bit himself before responding. “Actually, could you take me to The Ivy? Michael is supposed to be meeting me there tonight.”_ _ _ _

____“Sure thing.” His driver responded, his next words laced with caution. “Maybe don’t drink too much tonight, sir. Same with Mr. Clifford. You both have tour coming in the next week or so.”_ _ _ _

____Ashton waved his hand dismissively. “I’ll be fine. When was the last time I drank ‘too much’ anyways?” He asked._ _ _ _

____“Last time you went to a bar, when you made headlines for trying to steal a painting. Just last week, wasn’t it?” His driver responded without missing a beat._ _ _ _

____Ashton scoffed. “I wasn’t trying to _steal _it.” He said defensively. “Just wanted a closer look, that’s all.”___ _ _ _

______His driver rolled his eyes, pulling up to the side of the bar and turning around to face Ashton. “Just try to stay safe tonight, okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Alright, alright. No stealing paintings this time.” Ashton responded, thanking his driver before opening the door and walking out towards the entrance to The Ivy._ _ _ _ _ _

______Ashton heard the familiar click of camera shutters from across the street, as well as excited voices coming from the same direction. He turned around, smiling brightly at the photographers who were camped out across the street. Ashton never understood why people would spend so many hours just to get a few pictures of him walking into a bar, but that seemed to be where his life had taken him._ _ _ _ _ _

______The Ivy was one of Ashton’s favorite bars in Los Angeles, though he didn’t get a chance to go much lately, what with figuring out his tour schedule and promo for his latest album. Ashton didn’t do well under stress, preferring to stay in and wallow in his sadness. One of his friends, Michael, had been the one to convince him to go out after his meeting that night. And as his head started to pound at the flashing lights and loud clicks of the cameras, he was pretty sure it was a bad idea._ _ _ _ _ _

______Nevertheless, Ashton pushed open the doors to The Ivy, nodding at the hostess as she directed him to the reserved section. Once he walked in, he saw Michael at the bar, talking to a blonde bartender excitedly. Ashton rolled his eyes at his friend, who usually bothered people with how much he talked, and made his way over to the bar._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Hey, Michael.” Ashton said, forcing a smile onto his face as he sat down._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Ash!” Michael replied, a little too loudly in Ashton’s opinion, and swung his arm around his friend’s shoulders. “So, this is what it’s like not being in a house or a studio for weeks on end. How’s it feel?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Ashton rolled his eyes. “And you wonder why I don’t like hanging out with you.” He said sarcastically._ _ _ _ _ _

______Michael put a hand on his chest in mock offense. “The sass! I’m wounded, truly.” He exclaimed, earning a quiet laugh from Ashton. “There you go, Ash. Some real happiness. Better than that fake ass smile you’ve had for the past few weeks. What’s been going on, anyways?” He asked, concern lacing his tone._ _ _ _ _ _

______Ashton waved his hand in the air dismissively. “It’s nothing.” He mumbled, turning to the blonde bartender, who was still standing in front of the two awkwardly. “Hi, sorry about that. I’m Ashton.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The bartender blinked, his pretty blue eyes growing wider by the second. “Ashton Irwin? Like, the singer Ashton Irwin?” He asked, mouth hanging open slightly._ _ _ _ _ _

______And, okay. The Ivy was a pretty high end bar, one that celebrities like Ashton went to often. So the staff there was specifically trained for serving these kinds of celebrities. The shocked reply caught Ashton a bit off guard, if he was honest. But maybe this bartender was new or a big fan of his music. So Ashton just replied with a calm nod, smiling a bit._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Holy shit.” The bartender replied, wincing after. “Fuck, I’m not supposed to swear, sorry. Um, I’m Luke?” He stammered, although it sounded more like a question._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Hi, Luke.” Ashton replied, grinning in amusement._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Hi.” Luke said shortly, biting his bottom lip. “You’re not going to report me, are you? Because I really don’t mean to sound unprofessional or anything, and I’d really like to keep this job, so…” Luke trailed off, shaking his head at himself._ _ _ _ _ _

______Michael decided to chime in, his tone quieter and more comforting for Luke. “No worries, Luke. Our lips are sealed.” He reassured._ _ _ _ _ _

______Luke sighed in relief. “Thank you so much, both of you.” He said. “I swear I’m not usually like_ _ _ _ _ _

______this, it’s just—”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re a big fan?” Ashton interrupted curiously._ _ _ _ _ _

______Luke shook his head. “No!” He said, far too fast and earning a confused look from both Ashton and Michael. “I mean, yeah, your music is awesome, it’s just… my friend, Cal, he’s the big fan.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Ashton nodded in understanding. “I get it. Do you want me to sign something for him, then?” He asked._ _ _ _ _ _

______“He’s actually working tonight. Would you mind waiting just a second for me to go get him?” Luke asked hopefully._ _ _ _ _ _

______Ashton looked at Michael, who just shrugged. He turned back to Luke with a smile. “Not at all. Go ahead.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Really? God, you really are a genuinely good person, just like Cal says.” Luke rambled, seeming to forget that he was right in front of Ashton. “Holy shit, he’s going to love this. Fuck, I need to stop swearing. I’m sorry!” Luke blurted out, covering his mouth with his hand. His cheeks were flushed red in embarrassment._ _ _ _ _ _

______Michael laughed, and Ashton smiled. “It’s alright, Luke, really.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Luke nodded his thanks before turning around to go get his friend. Ashton looked at Michael, who just looked back expectantly. “What?” Ashton asked._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You were just complaining about having to come out tonight, and now look at where we are. You’re about to make this kid’s night, change his whole life.” Michael explained._ _ _ _ _ _

______Ashton scoffed. “Meeting me isn’t going to change his life, Michael, and it’s definitely not going to change mine.”_ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _


	3. 3

Luke was being dramatic. “Cal, this is going to change your life.”

“I’m sorry, Luke, I’m just not feeling it tonight.” Calum sighed, rubbing at his eyes. “Why can’t you cover the reserved section?”

Luke scoffed. “Because!” He exclaimed.

Calum raised his eyebrows. “Really?” He asked, rolling his eyes. “Look, on any other night, I would. I’m just really not in the mood to have a bunch of celebrities yelling at me for putting too much ice in their iced cocktails.”

“Cal, please.” Luke begged, earning a surprised look from Calum. Luke hardly ever begged for anything, usually being understanding of his friends’ limits. “I wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t important.”

Calum shook his head. “What makes it so important, then?”

“Just… please.” Luke repeated, his tone borderline desperate now.

Calum groaned. “Fine, but you owe me.”

Luke’s expression quickly turned to one of bright excitement, his smile shining radiantly. “Yes!” He exclaimed. “Thank you, Cal. Thank you a million times. You won’t regret this, I swear!” Luke rambled, giving Calum a quick hug before walking away.

“Wait, what do you mean I won’t regret this?” Calum shouted after Luke, but his friend had already gone into the kitchen, too far to hear anything Calum said.

Calum groaned, swearing to himself that he would get Luke back eventually, and walked off towards the reserved section. He grabbed and put on one of the ties on the way. Something about looking professional for the guests required a tie at The Ivy. Calum thought ties were stupid.

He pushed open the doors, scanning the room warily. If Calum was honest, he was a little scared at the fact that Luke was so adamant of him serving the guests in the reserved section. Half of him expected someone to jump out at him with balloons and confetti poppers. But everything seemed normal.

There was a girl with red hair up on the stage, drunkenly singing some pop song into the mic, and a few other girls, Calum assumed they were her friends, were laughing along with her at one of the tables next to the stage. The room wasn’t overly full or oddly empty, for that matter. He looked at the people seated at the counter, noticing nothing out of the ordinary. Calum was honestly starting to think that someone had just snapped at Luke, and his friend had gotten his feelings hurt.

And then Calum saw him.

The red curls, the golden skin and the sunshine smile. The black button down shirt with red hearts littered all over it. Calum watched as he laughed, the sound echoing throughout the room and ringing in his ears.

Calum’s mind was going a million miles a minute, thoughts and anxieties racing through his brain. He felt like he couldn’t focus, couldn’t breathe, and he was feeling so overwhelmed that he decided to focus on one thing and one thing only.

Calum Hood was not talking to Ashton Irwin dressed like this.

Calum didn’t even want to think about the utter shock that lit up his features when he saw him, much less the sound he let out, which drew Ashton’s attention over to him. Ashton’s eyes lit up at the sight of Calum, who made a sound that closely resembled a squeak before stumbling back into the kitchen, slamming the doors shut behind him.

Calum ran his hands through his hair, not even thinking about just how unprofessional he looked at that moment, or the fact that this could cause him to lose his job. Because Ashton Irwin was sitting at the bar, just a few feet away from him. Because Ashton Irwin locked eyes with Calum. Because Ashton Irwin wanted to talk to him. Or at least, it seemed like he did.

A slow and calm voice made its way into the mess that was Calum’s mind. “Don’t be mad.”

Calum’s head shot up, his eyes locking with Luke’s blue ones. He shook his head at his friend before putting his head in his hands. “Are you an idiot?” Calum mumbled.

“Maybe so.” Luke responded, continuing in a matter-of-fact tone. “Damn, Cal. I’ve never seen you like this.”

Calum scoffed, looking back up at Luke. “Yeah, I’m having loads of fun right now. Why don’t we keep talking about the current situation some more?” He snapped, earning a flinch from Luke.

“Oh, come on. I’m being a good friend!” Luke protested. “How pissed would you have been if I just served Ashton Iwrin’s drinks without telling you?”

Calum blinked. Sure, he might have been a mess at that moment, but Luke was right. He would’ve been furious. “You have a point.”

Luke lit up, like he wasn’t expecting Calum to let him off so easily. “I do? I mean, yes! I do!” He stammered out. “Now go on out there, and talk to him.”

Calum groaned. “I can’t believe you right now.” He muttered, turning around to face the door.

“Me neither!” Luke said. “I sure as hell win the ‘friend of the year’ award now, right?”

Calum turned around. “Luke, that’s not what I—”

“Okay, that’s cool. Have fun!” Luke interrupted, cutting off any more of Calum’s stalling before shoving him out the door.

Calum stumbled a bit, the force of Luke’s shove catching him off guard. He looked up to see Ashton talking to his friend excitedly. His dimples popped out with every word, and Calum really thought that all the world’s problems would end if Ashton Irwin just kept smiling. That was until his friend pointed at Calum, muttering something to Ashton, who turned to look as well. Ashton’s eyes sparkled as he practically beamed at Calum from the counter.

Calum Hood was well and truly fucked.


	4. 4

Calum shook his head, making his way over to where Ashton was sitting. Ashton’s smile stayed on his face the entire time, and Calum was pretty sure he was going to lose his sight because of how absolutely radiant it was.

Once he got to the counter, Ashton spoke first. “Hello! I’m Ashton.” He greeted.

Calum practically melted at the sound of his voice, which sounded about a million times better in person than over some speaker. The way Ashton spoke sounded like it was positively dripping with honey. It was light and friendly, yet clear and confident, too.

Ashton cleared his throat, bringing Calum back to the situation. “Cal?” Ashton asked carefully. “That’s your name, right?”

Whatever Calum was about to say stopped in his throat, getting lost in whatever sound he made this time. He brought his hand up to his mouth, simply nodding weakly. God, he was so pathetic. But hearing his own name, much less his nickname, come out of Ashton Irwin’s mouth was honestly an out of body experience for Calum. So, yeah, he just nodded.

Ashton laughed a little, causing Calum to melt a bit more inside. “Your friend told me you’re a fan?” He continued, going on when Calum nodded again. “Well, it’s great to meet you, Cal!”

Calum removed his hand from his mouth, trying to muster up the strength to respond. He took a breath before speaking. “I’m, um… I’m Calum.” He blurted out.

Ashton’s cheery expression immediately changed to one of guilt. “Oh, shit, I’m sorry! Your friend, Luke… he called you ‘Cal’, so I just thought—”

“No!” Calum shouted, interrupting Ashton, something he instantly regretted. “Shit, I mean… I’m not supposed to curse, fuck.” Calum winced at his own words, shaking his head at himself.

Ashton’s friend laughed, mumbling something about leaving this to Ashton, which really just made Calum feel a thousand times worse. Like he was something that had to be dealt with.

Calum looked at Ashton apologetically. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be acting like this. It’s just, I’ve loved your music for so long now, and seeing you here is like a dream come true. And I’m fucking it up, and…” Calum trailed off, putting his head in his hands when he realized that he had cursed again.

Calum felt a hand on his arm, and he looked up to see Ashton giving him a reassuring look. “It’s okay. Really. Luke couldn’t stop swearing earlier, honestly. I won’t say a word, Cal.” Ashton comforted, cringing at himself when he called Calum by his nickname again. “Calum. Sorry.”

Calum shook his head. “You can call me ‘Cal’.” He offered, his mind ringing with countless other things he would let Ashton call him. But ‘Cal’ was fine.

“Cal.” Ashton repeated, smiling. “I like it, it’s cute.” He commented, Calum’s flustered reaction seemingly going unnoticed to him. “So, Cal, what do you do?”

Calum blinked. “What?” He asked, Ashton’s question leaving him shocked.

“What do you do? Aside from working here, I mean.” Ashton explained, sitting back in his chair.

Calum looked around, Ashton’s words about him working here reminding him that he actually had a job to do. He spotted a tuft of blonde hair serving the tables, turning around to give Calum a supportive smile. Luke.

Maybe he would win a ‘friend of the year’ award after all.

Calum turned back to Ashton, who was still waiting patiently for a response. “Um, I don’t do much, really. You’d probably think my life is boring.” He admitted.

“Try me.” Ashton responded, a challenge in his tone.

Calum took a shaky breath. He had no reason to be nervous, other than the fact that Ashton Irwin wanted to know about his life and wanted to hear him talk and wanted to get to know him. It was fine. “I guess I spend most of my nights working here, but I’m usually in that section over—”

Ashton cut him off. “Aside from working, Cal.” He repeated, and, okay, Calum could get used to having Ashton Irwin call him ‘Cal’.

“Right, sorry.” Calum stammered. “Well, I guess I’m a photographer. I moved here from Sydney a few years back. Luke, the other bartender, came with me.”

Ashton beamed. “I thought I heard a bit of Australian in there.” He teased. “I’m from Hornsby.” Calum nodded in response, fighting the urge to tell Ashton that he already knew that, as well as what age he was when he moved to America and countless other things. Ashton continued talking, his eyes shining. “How long have you been into photography?”

Calum and Ashton talked for nearly twenty minutes, the conversation shifting from topic to topic smoothly. It was as if the two had known each other all their lives. Although Calum had been nervous to say much at the start, he was slowly opening up to Ashton. He told him about his recent struggles with the photography business and his anxieties about living in Los Angeles. And Ashton listened. If he wasn’t a fan, Calum would’ve just assumed that Ashton was a regular guest rather than a celebrity, who usually insisted on talking about themselves.

Calum had made Ashton a few drinks, mostly to make his boss think he was actually working, rather than talking Ashton the entire time. It was clear that Ashton was getting drunk. His words were slurring slightly, and he kept reaching for Calum’s hands, who thought it was safe to assume that Ashton got a bit touchy feely when he was drunk. Calum wasn’t annoyed, though. He would be lying if he said he didn’t like his hand intertwined with Ashton’s as they spoke.

“You know what, Cali?” Ashton suddenly asked. ‘Cali’ was a new one, too, a name that seemed to be Ashton’s favorite thing to call Calum. “Do you ever get that weird, intense deja vu when you meet someone? Like you feel like you’ve known them forever even though this is the first time you’ve talked to them?”

Calum’s cheeks flushed red when he realized what Ashton was referring to. He swallowed, trying to change the subject with a joke. “Be careful, that’s how they get you.” He teased.

Ashton giggled. He actually giggled. Calum laughed along with him before Ashton spoke again. “I’m serious, Cali. There’s something about you.” Ashton squinted at Calum, as if he was trying to see through him. “I think it’s the tie.” Ashton suddenly announced.

Calum blinked, choking on his own breath. “What?” He asked, his voice laced with amusement.

“Your tie!” Ashton repeated, louder this time. He reached his hand up to tug lightly on the fabric that hung from Calum’s neck.

Calum pulled away, coughing and bringing his hand up to his face to try to hide the redness that rose to his cheeks at Ashton’s actions. “You think it’s the tie?” Calum asked.

Ashton hummed, moving his hand back down to Calum’s, moving his thumb in little circles across Calum’s palm. “It’s a cute tie.” Ashton protested, acting as if he had to justify the tie.

Calum looked down at his tie, shrugging slightly. He personally hated it, but if Ashton liked it, then Calum didn’t mind it as much anymore.

Ashton spoke up again. “Maybe it’s not the tie.” He said quietly.

“Oh, then what is it?” Calum asked curiously.

Ashton looked into Calum’s eyes seriously. “Maybe it’s you.” He whispered.

Calum blinked. His cheeks flushed red again, and he suddenly felt overwhelmed at the passion in Ashton’s eyes. The only thing Calum managed to do was breathe out a quiet, “oh” at Ashton’s words.

Ashton suddenly started laughing, squeezing Calum’s hand gently. His eyes shined with happiness as he spoke. “Wanna go do some karaoke with me?”

Calum had never agreed to something so fast.


	5. 5

Calum was fucking adorable, if you asked Ashton.

He had warm, brown eyes and fluffy hair that Ashton wanted to run his hands through forever. His smile was absolutely blinding, and Ashton felt like the luckiest person in the world when he was the reason for that smile. Which was often, he had noticed.

Calum seemed to smile at everything Ashton did, whether it was complementing the drinks he made or holding Calum’s hand while they spoke. Ashton was always a bit on the spiritual side, as he believed most people should be, and he couldn’t seem to ignore the desperate pull he had been feeling towards Calum that night.

It was, honestly, really distracting.

The Ivy had slowly gotten emptier and emptier, with Ashton and Michael being the only ones left in the reserved area. For once, Michael had been keeping an eye on Ashton, making sure he didn’t do anything too stupid with Calum. But, given the amount of drinks Ashton kept having, that task was getting increasingly difficult. And Ashton could tell that Michael was getting a bit worn out.

“Maybe you should just head on out, Mikey.” Ashton suggested, his words slurring together messily.

Michael scoffed. “Maybe you should sober up so I can drive you back to yours, considering you don’t have a ride.” He shot back.

Ashton gaped at Michael. “Excuse me, you’re never like this.”

“I’m always like this.”

Ashton’s jaw dropped in shock. “Michael, are you drunk?”

“Incredibly.” Michael responded, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Can we go now?”

Ashton pouted, his bottom lip sticking out. “You’re so grumpy, so moody. Are you on your period?”

“I hate you.” Michael deadpanned.

Ashton reached for the small ceramic bowl of saltines that sat on the edge of the table. “May I offer you a cracker in these trying times?”

“I want to leave you here, Ash.” Michael said, and Ashton really couldn’t tell if he was being serious. “Would you be sober enough to get a ride home if I did? I could call you an Uber or something.”

Ashton gave Michael a lopsided smile, his dimples popping out. “That is completely unnecessary!” He exclaimed cheerily. “Cali can just give me a ride home.”

Michael narrowed his eyes. “Is ‘Cali’ who you’ve been attached to the whole night?” He asked.

Ashton nodded. “Sure is! Isn’t he adorable?” He sighed, glancing over at Calum, who was talking excitedly with Luke.

“Ash, stop.” Michael scolded, bringing Ashton back to the conversation. “You’re not in the right headspace to be with anyone, you know that.”

Ashton squinted. “Just because I’m drunk doesn’t mean—”

“That’s not what I meant.” Michael interrupted.

Ashton blinked. “Is it because of tour?” He tried hopefully.

“No.” Michael responded. “You know what it’s about, Ashton. I’m being serious for once here.”

Ashton swallowed hard. “It’s just a ride home, Mikey.” He reasoned, his voice desperate. “Please?”

Michael sighed, and Ashton felt a little bad now. Because Michael hated being the responsible one. Usually it was Ashton who called Ubers for him when he was too drunk to stand. “I’m worried about you, Ash.” Michael said suddenly, sounding a bit choked up.

Ashton blinked. “What?” He asked.

Michael shook his head. “We can talk later.” He said dismissively. “Get Cali over here, then.”

“Hey, only I can call him ‘Cali’.” Ashton insisted, earning an eye roll from Michael. “And why do you wanna talk to him?” He asked, his tone almost suspicious.

Michael looked fed up. “Oh my God, Ashton.” He muttered, glancing over at Luke, who was still talking to Calum. “Luke! Could you and Cal come here for a minute?” Michael called.

Ashton watched as the two made their way across the bar to where he and Michael were sitting, Calum moving a bit faster than Luke, who had a bright smile on his face when he got to the table. “Hi! Could I get you something?” Luke asked, looking between Ashton and Michael.

Michael shook his head. “I just need to know that ‘Cali’ here won’t try anything if I ask him to take Ashton home.” He explained, earning a scoff from Ashton.

Calum’s eyes lit up, and he was quick to reply, cutting Luke off immediately. “Shut the fuck up.” He swore, not even wincing at himself this time. “I won’t try anything, sir. I’ll just take him home and make sure he gets inside okay, I promise.”

Michael smirked. “No worries, I trust you. Mostly because Ashton seems to like you a lot.” He added.

“Michael!” Ashton snapped, his cheeks heating up.

Calum’s eyebrows raised in surprise, clearly not used to seeing Ashton so flustered. “I’m trustworthy, really, I am.” He looked at Luke for confirmation, who just shrugged. Calum scoffed. “Ignore him, he’s broke and sad.” Calum added quickly, glancing apologetically at Michael who just laughed.

Michael said his goodbyes after a few minutes of talking with Calum and Luke, who’s shift ended soon after Michael had left. Luke hung his tie up on the rack and spoke with Calum for a minute or so before leaving, waving to Ashton as he walked out.

Calum made his way back over to Ashton, moving to sit down across from him. Ashton whined and pouted slightly. “Cali, sit on this side.” He pleaded.

Ashton didn’t miss the smile that graced Calum’s features as he sat down next to him. Ashton quickly pulled Calum against his side, wrapping his arm around his frame. Calum hummed quietly, making Ashton look down. “Everything okay?” Ashton asked carefully.

“You’re really thin.” Calum commented, poking gently at Ashton’s ribs.

Ashton's expression hardened, immediately moving away from Calum. “Been working a lot.” He explained, his voice dull.

Calum seemed to notice, and his eyes shone with concern. “Are you—”

“Where is everyone?” Ashton interrupted, looking around.

Calum shrugged. “The Ivy closed half an hour ago. Luke and I close and clean up, but we finished earlier than usual tonight.” He explained.

Ashton blinked. “Then why am I not being kicked out?”

“Why would I kick Ashton Irwin out of my bar?” Calum asked, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Ashton smiled. “Maybe because he’s drunk and won’t let go of your hand when you talk.” He teased, reaching for Calum’s hand. Calum hummed, his smile widening even more, and allowed Ashton to slip his fingers around his own. “What’s that for, Cali?” Ashton asked, nodding towards the radiant smile on Calum’s face.

“‘M just…” Calum mumbled, trailing off and hiding his face with his free hand.

Ashton leaned down, tilting his head around to meet Calum’s eyes through his hand. “You’re just…?”

“Happy, Ashton. I’m really, really happy.” Calum rested his hand on the table, glancing down at

his and Ashton’s intertwined hands. He gestured between the two of them. “This… all that’s happened tonight. It makes me really happy. And I haven’t been recently.” Calum admitted, looking back at the table.

And, oh. Ashton didn’t like that. He absolutely hated the thought of Calum being unhappy for any reason. Because, really, that sunshine smile had no excuse to leave his face. “Any reason in particular?” Ashton asked carefully.

“Life is just going slow. I have all these big dreams, and none of them are actually coming true.” Calum sighed, glancing at Ashton. “Tonight, though. It’s different.”

Ashton tugged lightly on Calum’s tie again, reveling in the red tint that rose to Calum’s cheeks. “What makes it different?”

Calum pulled away from Ashton’s grip on his tie. “Maybe it’s you.” He responded, repeating Ashton’s words from earlier in the night.

Ashton hummed, moving closer to Calum and resting his palm on his cheek. His voice was soft, so soft that it was as if any kind of volume would destroy the moment.

“Can I kiss you, Calum?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i think that's all i'll post for now! sorry to leave it ending on a cliffhanger haha, also sorry that the chapters are so short! they felt a lot longer when i was actually writing them but i'll make sure to post a few chapters at a time when i update!  
> alright that's all for now ilu bye!  
> lou xx


	6. 6

Call him crazy, but kissing Ashton Irwin was something that Calum had always imagined doing.

He liked to daydream of where they would be, what they would be doing, who went in first, all of it. He liked imagining the way Ashton’s lips would feel against his own and whether the kiss would be soft or rough and heated. Calum liked to think that a kiss from Ashton would change his whole world in an instant, a magical, fleeting instant.

But that’s all it was, a daydream, an imaginary moment.

Until now.

Calum had to keep himself from physically squealing when he processed what Ashton had asked. His mind was going a million miles a minute, something that he had noticed happening often when he was around the singer, but he pushed the countless thoughts away, focusing on one word.

“Okay.”

And, okay. Ashton smirked and finally closed the distance between them. The first thing that Calum noticed was just how soft his lips felt against his own, contrasting from the low, rough voice he spoke and sang with. He felt Ashton’s hand brush against the back of his neck, squeezing slightly, and Calum inhaled sharply at that. Ashton swallowed up the sound of his breath with another kiss, slipping his tongue inside Calum’s mouth.

Everything about Ashton and Calum’s relationship, up until this point, had been soft. This kiss was certainly the opposite. Ashton pulled Calum up and onto his lap, shifting their positions as he leaned back against the plush seat of the booth. Calum had loved talking with Ashton, but this was infinitely better. He finally got to touch in ways he wasn’t allowed to before.

And the best part was that Ashton was so fucking normal. Even when his tongue was shoved inside Calum’s mouth and his hands were tight on Calum’s neck and his waist, Calum wasn’t even thinking about the fact that those hands and tongue belonged to Ashton Irwin. He was so caught up in the way everything felt, he forgot that Ashton wasn’t just some customer. Forgot that he was a world famous musician who had millions of fans, Calum being one of them.

Calum couldn’t help but curl his tongue around Ashton’s, ending in a satisfied moan that made Calum flush to the tips of his ears and down to his chest. It also made him eternally grateful that The Ivy was closed.

Ashton’s hands were everywhere, traveling from his neck to his chest to his waist. Calum wasn’t much better. He knew that he was breathing harshly through his nose, but he couldn’t find the power to pull away from Ashton’s lips, sliding nicely across his own.

Finally, when it was absolutely necessary, Calum had to pull away to suck in some much needed breaths. It really was a mistake when he opened his eyes and looked down at Ashton. The singer was all red lips and messy hair, and his hands had found Calum’s hips, thumbing them a little to urge him back in for another kiss. Calum gave in and leaned forward to press short kisses to Ashton’s lips, giggling a little because he was just so fucking happy. He could hardly believe this was happening.

And that’s when it finally set in for Calum.

He had kissed Ashton Irwin.

More than that, he had Ashton’s tongue down his throat, his hands in his hair and on his neck. He had been pulled onto Ashton’s lap as they kissed, and he was still sitting there after. Calum ran a hand through his messy hair, breathing harshly.

“What the fuck just happened?” Calum mumbled under his breath.

Ashton let out a laugh, quiet and breathy, before speaking. “I’m not sure.” He admitted.

Calum looked down at Ashton, a hint of sadness on his face. Ashton was the one who had been leading the entire kiss. If he didn’t know what had happened, did he even like it? Did he even like Calum, or did he just want some kind of relief? Fuck, Calum didn’t even know if Ashton liked boys.

“Just to be clear,” Ashton started as he ducked down to tuck his face into Calum’s neck, leaving hot, open mouthed kisses that had Calum stuttering out small, embarrassing sounds. Ashton dropped his voice to a whisper, and his hot breath had Calum all curled in on himself. Calum bit his lip to avoid whimpering too loud as Ashton grazed his teeth along Calum’s neck. “When I said that I wasn’t sure, that doesn’t mean I don’t like this.”

Calum’s face split into a relieved grin, and he could hear Ashton snickering as he nibbled down on the sensitive skin under Calum’s jaw. “Is that right, Ashy?” Calum asked after a gasp.

Ashton bit back a moan. “Fuck, Cal.” He breathed out. “Keep calling me that.”

Calum nodded in response as he felt Ashton’s breath against his skin, and then he was kissing him again. He was a little annoyed with himself, if he was being honest. Calum had spent the whole night with Ashton. Sure, he was working, but they still spent a good amount of time together. And, the entire time, they could’ve been doing this.

Calum pushed that thought aside, focusing on the fact that he couldn’t stop smiling against Ashton’s lips. He felt so unbelievably happy, until Ashton’s hand was trailing down to sneak the tips of his fingers down the back of Calum’s black jeans.

In the midst of all the hurried movements and heated touches, Ashton seemed to gain his last bit of control over himself to pull away and look up at Calum. He was flushed down to his neck and gave Ashton a soft look that contrasted greatly to the way Ashton’s sinful fingers were dragging along the sensitive skin of Calum’s lower back.

Calum’s words fell from his mouth without thinking. “Want to take me home, Ashy?”

Ashton bit his lip. “I’d love to.” He whispered into Calum’s skin.

Calum beamed and got that feeling again. The one that made him want to crawl into his own chest and bury himself in the warmth that was taking over his entire body.

And it was all because of Ashton.


	7. 7

Calum Hood was absolutely positive that he was dreaming.

In one night, he had met his favorite musician on the planet, gotten the chance to spend time with him, and he ended the night at his apartment, his head buried in his chest after, well, after that.

Calum was definitely dreaming, and he really didn’t want to wake up.

He felt Ashton’s fingers in his hair. “Talk to me, Cal. You’re keeping me up with all that thinking.” Ashton mumbled, his voice raspy and tired.

Calum sighed, looking up at Ashton. “This is…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “This is fucking crazy!” Calum exclaimed.

Ashton flinched at the volume. “I’m assuming you don’t like crazy?”

“That’s the thing!” Calum breathed out, exasperated. “We just… did, well, whatever the fuck we did, and, don’t get me wrong, I loved it. But you don’t know me, Ashton.”

Calum felt Ashton tense at his words. “It’s not like you’re much better.” Ashton snapped, looking Calum up and down.

Calum sat up. “Wanna bet?” He challenged. “Go ahead, try me.”

“Where am I from?” Ashton asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Easy. Hornsby.” Calum responded without missing a beat. “You mentioned it earlier, but it’s not like I wouldn’t have not known if you didn’t.”

Ashton smirked. “Oh, I see. You’re one of those fans, huh?” He teased. “Looked at my Instagram lately, have you?”

Calum bit his lip. “I have notifications on.”

Ashton laughed, pulling Calum in close. “Fucking stalker.” He said teasingly.

The two were quiet for a moment until Calum spoke up. “I’m serious, Ash. You really don’t know me.” He mumbled, his anxieties getting the better of him.

And, okay. Calum wasn’t trying to complain, here. He had just fucked Ashton Irwin, and, in Calum’s eyes, it couldn’t get much better than that. But he never did this kind of thing, sleeping with someone who he just met. Calum hated just the thought of doing that.

But something was different with Ashton.

Ashton tugged lightly on the hair on the back of Calum’s head, forcing their eyes to meet. “I know that you work at one of my favorite bars in the city, and yet I’ve never seen you until tonight. I know that, aside from stalking my Instagram, you spend your free time working on your photography and spending time with your friend, Luke. I know that you left Sydney to come here to chase your dreams, which you have so many of, but you feel stuck because nothing has been happening. But you feel like tonight is different, like we’re different. Is that right, Cali?” Ashton finished, a satisfied smile on his face.

Calum’s mouth hung open a bit in shock. Sure, he had said all that earlier that night, but Ashton listened. And he remembered it all, too. That meant he wasn’t just talking to Calum and spending time with him because he wanted a pair of lips around his dick. That meant Ashton really, actually cared.

Calum could cry.

He chose to clear his throat instead, smiling softly in response. “Yeah, that’s all right.” Calum mumbled. He shook his head in an attempt to regain some kind of dignity. “Still! You don’t know me. You don’t know who I am, not really. I could be a serial killer for all you know, just waiting for the right moment to stab you.”

Ashton blinked. “Well, are you?”

Calum shook his head, smiling. “I don’t think I could ever really stab someone.” He admitted. “I mean, let’s be honest. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.”

Ashton snorted. “Definitely not a serial killer.”

“You don’t know.” Calum said, laughing softly.

Ashton hummed and pressed a chaste kiss to Calum’s lips, who melted back into his arms and began tracing patterns on Ashton’s side with his finger. The two laid together in a comfortable silence, until Calum broke it. “You’re really thin. Are those your ribs, Ash?” He asked carefully, tracing his finger along the bones that poked out from Ashton’s side.

Calum felt Ashton’s body freeze up under him. Shit, Cal. Wrong thing to say.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

And then Ashton’s hands were on Calum’s chest, pushing him away. “Stop it, Calum.” Ashton hissed, earning a flinch from Calum at the use of his full name. Ashton had stopped calling him that ever since Calum said he could use a nickname.

Calum blinked. “I’m sorry, Ash.” He repeated.

Ashton shook his head, looking away. “Can you just…” He trailed off, sighing. “Can you just go home?”

Oh. “It’s the middle of the night.” Calum said, shocked.

“Calum, go home.” Ashton said, his voice steely. “I’m not fucking asking this time.”

Calum felt his eyes begin to fill with tears. He shook his head, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, and placed his hand on Ashton’s bicep comfortingly. “Ash, no. We can talk about this. You can talk to me. I swear I’ll—”

“You’ll what?” Ashton asked, looking at Calum with wild eyes. “You’ll listen? Because I’m ‘Ashton Irwin’, and, what, you care about me? Stop lying already and leave.”

Calum flinched at the harshness in Ashton’s tone. “I do care about you, Ashton.” He snapped, cutting off Ashton's next words. “And, no, not because you’re ‘Ashton Irwin’, but because, when I told you about my life at The Ivy, you listened. Because you told me that every drink I made was the best thing you’ve ever had. Because you’re a genuinely good person. I don’t have to know every little thing about you to know who you are.”

Ashton looked at Calum, anger sparking in his eyes. “Oh, yeah? Who am I, then, Calum?”

Calum felt his heart twist in his chest. He stood up, glaring at Ashton. “You’re not who I thought you were, that’s for sure.” He spat, slipping his clothes back on hurriedly.

Ashton stood up, his chest rising and falling rapidly. “Get the fuck out of my apartment.” He said, hands shaking at his sides. “And don’t ever tell anyone about tonight, got it?”

Calum’s eyes stung. “Why? Are you ashamed of this, ashamed of me?”

“I’m not…” Ashton trailed off, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m not out yet, Calum. Not to anyone. No one knows except Michael, the guy I was with at the bar.” His voice was shaky, contrasting from the harsh tone he had been using.

“Ash, I’m—” Calum tried, lacing their hands together.

Ashton tore his hand away from Calum’s, looking at him in a mixture of disgust and fear. “No, Calum. You don’t get to apologize or defend yourself or pretend to care. You get to go home and forget this ever happened, got it?”

Calum shook his head, grabbing his phone, wallet and keys from Ashton’s counter as he walked towards the door. “Don’t worry, Ashton. It’s not like I want to remember anything anyways.”

And, with that, Calum turned and left, slamming the door behind him and hearing a crash from the other side of the wall.

_Good. _Calum thought. Because Calum was hurt, so it was only fair if Ashton hurt a bit, too.__

____


	8. 8

Calum wanted to go to sleep. That’s all, really. He just wanted to get back to his apartment and forget absolutely everything that had happened. Then he would be fine, he would be happy, even.

But life didn’t seem to want Calum to be happy, because when he went to open the door to his apartment, an angry, teary eyed Luke stood on the other side of it.

“Are you… fucking kidding me?” Luke breathed out, seething with anger.

Calum had never seen Luke look so angry. He was normally so happy and carefree. “Luke, what are you doing here?” Calum asked carefully, stepping inside and shutting the door behind him. “It’s like… fuck, what time is it?”

Luke’s jaw dropped. “You don’t even…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “Whatever, just check your phone. Now.”

Calum flinched at Luke’s harsh and demanding tone before taking his phone out of his pocket, looking down at the screen.

Oh.

Three missed calls. Twelve texts. All from Luke.

And it was four in the morning.

Calum looked back up at Luke, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. “Shit, Luke. I’m so sorry. I was at Ashton’s, and I—”

“Hold the fuck up.” Luke interrupted, raising his hands up to stop Calum’s words. “You were at Ashton’s? As in ‘Ashton Irwin’?”

Calum swallowed hard. “Yeah, that Ashton.”

Luke’s eyes widened. “What the fuck were you doing there for so long?” He asked. Calum looked away, which, apparently, was all Luke needed as an answer. “You’re joking…” Luke trailed off, shocked. Calum shook his head. “You two fucked?”

Calum winced. “Yeah, basically.”

Luke let out a little noise, bringing Calum’s attention back into his eyes. There was anger in them, that much was clear, but there was something else. Luke looked sad, almost hurt at what he had found out.

Calum couldn’t focus on it too much because then Luke was talking again. “I can’t believe you…” His words hung loosely in the air before he started over. “You just met him, Cal! I don’t care if he’s some famous singer who you’d probably marry on the spot, you don’t know him. And you just—”

“I know what I did!” Calum shouted, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. He took a breath, trying to regain some kind of composure. “I know what I did. But can you blame me? You introduced me to him for fuck’s sake!”

Whatever kind of hurt was in Luke’s eyes faded right then and there, quickly being replaced by absolute fury. “Oh, so this is my fault now?” He snapped. “Sure, that makes sense. When you go fuck a guy you just met, it’s because I set it up. But when I do the same, I’m what… a slut?”

Calum wiped at his eyes angrily, hating the word that just came out of Luke’s mouth. Sure, Calum had fucked up a few times and used that word against his friend, but he had never heard Luke say anything with such hatred. “I thought you would be happy for me, Luke!” Calum hissed, his fists balling up at his sides in anger. “I thought you would care!”

A single tear rolled down Luke’s cheek, and he looked away. “I do care, Cal.” He said softly, the venom in his voice gone. “I care more than you know. I care more than anyone.”

Calum exhaled softly. “Doesn’t seem like it.”

Luke shook his head, responding after a minute or so. “Why aren’t you at Ashton’s still?” He asked, clearly wanting to change the subject.

Calum swallowed hard. Luke’s voice was still stiff, and Calum was honestly wondering why his friend hadn’t walked out already. “Ashton kicked me out.” Calum said quietly, like he was ashamed of what had happened.

“Ashton kicked…” Luke trailed off again, and Calum could see that he was getting angry again. “I know you’re lying to me right now, Calum. He wouldn’t do that, not after you two just—”

“He did.” Calum snapped, ending whatever Luke was about to say.

Luke shook his head. “I swear to God, Cal, I’m going to—”

“Luke, stop.” Calum protested. “You and I both know you’re not going to do anything. You hate fights.”

Luke opened his mouth to reply, but he stopped. “You… you still like him!”

“What?” Calum stuttered. “I… no, Luke, I don’t like him.”

Luke just shook his head again in response.

“I don’t, Luke. Really.” Calum repeated, ignoring the way his voice wavered. “Why would I after what he did?”

Luke shrugged. “That’s a question you need to be asking yourself, Cal. Because I know you. I know how you get when you care about somebody, and Ashton’s no different.”

Luke just went on when Calum didn’t say anything. “I know you care about him. I know you like his music, and I know how much hope you had when you saw him at the bar. LA has been hard for us recently, you especially. Don’t think I haven’t noticed, Cal. I know you think you’re alone in all this, but I’ve been right here beside you this entire time. You’ve just got to fight for it.”

Calum fell quiet. When did Luke get so fucking smart?

Luke ruffled Calum’s hair. “I’ve always been this smart, Cal. You’re just too busy to notice.”

Calum laughed a little, realizing he must have said that out loud. He waited a minute before speaking, taking comfort in the short silence that had fallen among them. “I’m being serious, Lu. I don’t like him.”

Luke bit his lip, looking almost hopeful. Like he wanted to believe Calum, but some part of himself couldn’t. “Okay. I trust you.” Luke said after a while.

Calum sighed in relief, the tension leaving his shoulders. “I’m sorry for being a dick earlier. It’s been a hard night. I took it out on you, and that’s not fair.” He admitted. “The last thing I want is for you to be out of my life, too.”

Whatever doubts that shone in Luke’s eyes immediately disappeared with Calum’s words. He smiled softly and wrapped his arms around his friend. “Thanks, Cal. I’m sorry, too.”

A few minutes and some tears from Luke later, Calum was alone. His eyelids felt heavy, and his entire body ached, his heart especially. Calum slowly made his way up to his room, falling asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Calum’s dreams were full of red curls, golden skin and soft, kind words.


	9. 9

“Ashton fucking Irwin!”

Michael’s booming voice startled Ashton awake, nearly making him fall off of the couch, where he had fallen asleep after he kicked Calum out.

_Oh, right. ___

__He had kicked Calum out._ _

__Ashton groaned and rubbed at his eyes, squinting at the lights. “Michael, what are you even doing here? What time is it?” He mumbled, yawning._ _

__“Look at your fucking phone, would you?” Michael snapped, handing Ashton his phone from the counter._ _

__Ashton sighed, his sleep successfully ruined, and sat up against the cushions. If he was honest, his sleep wasn’t exactly all that peaceful. His dreams were littered with kind, brown eyes and tan skin against his own, the name “Ashy” on soft lips. Ashton revelled in the memories of Calum for a moment._ _

__Which then came to an abrupt stop when he looked down at his phone._ _

___**Musician Ashton Irwin Seen With Mystery Boy Late Last Night, Possibile New Romance? ******___

********

___"Singer/songwriter Ashton Irwin, who is just two weeks away from his worldwide arena tour, was seen leaving LA’s “The Ivy” with an unknown brunet. The two were close together as they left, and the brunet’s lips looked to be up against Irwin’s neck. Questions about Irwin’s sexuality haven’t been present lately, but is it possible that there’s something more happening? Could the singer be looking for someone new, just weeks away from leaving home? Let alone with another man? Keep reading for more." ____ _

********

____Ashton dropped his phone. Fuck, fuck, fuck._ _ _ _

********

____His hands went immediately to his hair, pulling at it anxiously. He felt his eyes sting with tears at the article, which was still up on his phone._ _ _ _

********

____Ashton felt the couch dip beside him, Michael sitting down. “Ashton…” Michael trailed off, his tone much less urgent and harsh than it had been._ _ _ _

********

____And then Ashton was crying. Once the first tear was free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. He was whimpering and huffing and wailing all at once, his entire body heaving with sobs. Ashton felt Michael’s arms wrap around his shoulders and squeeze him tight. “It’s okay, Ash, I’m here. I’m right here.” Michael reassured softly._ _ _ _

********

____Ashton shook his head. “Please, Michael. Make it stop, I can’t—”_ _ _ _

********

____“You can.” Michael cut him off gently, his tone nothing but kind now. “You’re so strong, Ash, you know you are.”_ _ _ _

********

____Ashton squeezed his eyes shut. “‘M not…”_ _ _ _

********

____“You are.” Michael urged. “What’s in that article… we’ll get past it. You and me, okay?”_ _ _ _

********

____Ashton opened his eyes and looked at Michael. “I kicked him out. I told him to leave and forget everything. And now…” He trailed off, getting choked by his own sobs. “How is he… how can he forget when—”_ _ _ _

********

____“Ashton, stop.” Michael slipped his hand around Ashton’s. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself, babe.”_ _ _ _

********

____Ashton let out a shaky breath, his heart feeling a little less heavy at the use of the pet name Michael has for him. “I know… I know I’m fucked up, and I can’t…” Ashton shook his head. “He’s going to lose his job. He’s a broke bartender living in Los Angeles and looking for a job in photography. And now everywhere he goes… I ruined his life, Michael. What is he going to do?”_ _ _ _

********

____“Look at the pictures, babe. You can barely see his face.” Michael supplied helpfully._ _ _ _

********

____Ashton looked up at Michael, the pet name he always used for him ringing in his ears. “People are gonna find out. You know they will.” He looked away._ _ _ _

********

____“We’ll figure something out.” Michael insisted. “Remember Luke, the one with the blonde hair? I got his number last night. I’ll call him about it, okay?”_ _ _ _

********

____Ashton nodded, the knots in his chest loosening slightly. It was fine, everything would work out. Michael had it all figured out, it was fine._ _ _ _

********

____And then it hit him._ _ _ _

********

____“I’m not _out. _”___ _ _ _

********

______And that was it. Except for Michael, no one knew Ashton wasn’t straight. His family, friends from home, his management, it was all hidden perfectly under an organized set of lies Ashton had been piling on for the past few years._ _ _ _ _ _

********

______His chest tightened again, and he felt like he was choking. Ashton’s throat was closing up, and he shook his head furiously. “Michael, this is wrong. I don’t want… people can’t know, they— what do I do?” Ashton stammered out, his hands shaking._ _ _ _ _ _

********

______“Ashton, please listen to me.” Michael urged, squeezing Ashton’s hand. “This isn’t too much for you. You’ve gotten through this before, and you will again, okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _

********

______Ashton felt tears stream from his eyes, wetting his cheeks. “But what if I lose everything? What if I lose the tour and the fans and the music and—”_ _ _ _ _ _

********

______“What if everything is fine?” Michael countered._ _ _ _ _ _

********

______Ashton felt like he was being held underwater, and there was no way he could come up for air. He shook his head again, unable to form words. Nothing Michael said helped, his mind only supplying more problems in response. Ashton felt like he was _dying _. Was he dying?___ _ _ _ _ _

********

________“Please, don’t let me die.” Ashton sputtered out, his voice small._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

********

________Michael locked his eyes with Ashton’s. “You’re not going to die, babe.” He said gently, using the pet name again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

********

________“I feel like I’m going crazy.” Ashton wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “Am I going crazy?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

********

________“No, Ash. You’re okay.” Michael answered softly, clearly knowing what his friend needed to hear. “Remember what I said? We’ll get through this. Just you and me, like always, okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

********

________Ashton exhaled shakily. “Like always.” He repeated slowly, pronouncing every letter carefully._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

********

________Ashton felt his chest loosen again, this time with more promise than the last, and his hands finally stopped shaking. His mind quieted down, fading away into a soft hum of worries that Ashton knew he could block out. He was just _exhausted _.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

********

__________Ashton slumped back against the couch, throwing his head up to the ceiling and putting his hands over his eyes. “Fuck, Michael.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

********

__________“You wish.” Michael teased, wrapping his arm around Ashton’s shoulders._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

********

__________Ashton felt his chest loosen even more at Michael’s jokes. He liked that, liked that things with Michael could feel normal after everything. Ashton looked up, offering a small smile to Michael. “Thanks.” Ashton said quietly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

********

__________Michael smiled back. “You know I love you, Ash. I’d do anything for you.” He swore, ruffling Ashton’s red hair. “And we _will _get through this, okay?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

********

____________Ashton nodded. Because, yeah, they could figure this out. Even if it took them a while, or they had to postpone promo for the next week or so. It would be fine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

********

____________“Okay.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

********

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please dont judge that fake news article i attempted to write i LITERALLY DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT OK


	10. 10

If Calum had to make a list of things that he thought could be a possible result of sleeping with Ashton Irwin, getting fired the next day really wasn’t on his mind.

He had no idea why they had fired him, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t pissed off. Because he and Ashton were alone when everything happened, so nobody could have really seen anything. Calum had even cleaned up the bar before he went back to Ashton’s.

Calum groaned as he felt his tires hit the curb when he parked in front of his apartment. He slowly backed up a little, parking and getting out of his car when he had done it correctly this time. Calum was supposed to be at The Ivy, waiting tables and serving expensive breakfasts to even more expensive people, but as soon as he had walked into the building, his manager told him to leave without offering any kind of explanation.

Calum opened the door to his flat, only to come face to face with Luke. Again. “Luke, why are you always—”

Luke cut him off. “Do you ever check your fucking phone?” He asked. Calum shrugged, setting his keys down on the table while Luke went on. “Wait, why are you here? You’re supposed to be working.”

“Yeah, I got fired.” Calum replied. “Don’t even know why.”

Luke scoffed. “I do.” He said, handing Calum his phone.

Calum looked down at the screen, his breath getting caught in his throat when he read the news article that was pulled up.

**Musician Ashton Irwin and Mystery Brunet Seen Leaving LA’s The Ivy Together, Looking Very, Well, Close. ******

********

“Oh, fuck.” Calum swore, nearly dropping Luke’s phone.

********

Luke took his phone from Calum, shaking his head. “There are pictures, but it’s hard to tell that it’s you. But it’s clear enough that you got fired for it.” Luke took a breath. “What are you gonna do?”

********

Calum took a minute. He had just lost his job, he should be looking out for himself. But there was some nagging part of his mind that screamed AshtonAshtonAshton. Calum didn’t know why the singer was still in his mind. Ashton had kicked him out, and, really, he would be fine with the press. Just an interview or so, and then the rumors would be over.

********

And then Calum remembered.

********

Ashton wasn’t out.

********

“Fuck.” Calum repeated.

********

Luke blinked. “What?”

********

“Ashton… he’s not—” Calum felt his hands start to shake in worry for Ashton, and he grabbed his keys. “I have to see him.”

********

Luke grabbed Ashton’s arm. “Calum, no. Don’t go back to him. You know what he did.” He pleaded.

********

“I have to go.” Calum replied, his voice laced with urgency.

********

“Cal, please.”

********

Calum shook his head, tugging his arm away from Luke’s grip. “No, you don’t understand, he—”

********

“You know what I don’t understand?” Luke snapped, cutting Calum off. “I don’t understand why you went back to his house in the first place. I mean, what the fuck were you thinking?”

********

Calum blinked. “I was thinking that I wanted to have a good time.” He deadpanned.

********

“Did you not see the cameras?” Luke asked harshly. “You’re not an idiot, and you know to be careful. So what the fuck happened?”

********

“Are you really trying to start this shit again?” Calum asked, his voice sharp.

********

Luke scoffed. “Maybe I’m just trying to protect you from yourself!”

********

“What does that even mean, Luke?” Calum asked, hostility clear in his tone.

********

“Open your fucking eyes, Calum! You spend one night with Ashton and look what happens!” Luke exclaimed furiously. “You lost your job, your face is all over the internet, and now you’re going back to him? Did you forget what happened?”

********

Calum swallowed hard. “Luke, stop.” He said in a small, hurt voice. Because, yeah, Calum remembered what happened, and he really didn’t want to hear it again. Especially not from Luke.

********

“He told you to leave, Calum. He kicked you out after you got him off.” Luke snapped, ignoring Calum’s pleas to stop. “And now you’re crawling back to him because, what, you like him? You don’t know him at all. He’s using you.”

********

Calum shook his head. “You of all people can’t be talking to me about using someone else to get off when you go home with someone new every fucking week!” He shouted angrily. “Fighting with you last night was stupid, but you were right about one thing. You’re a fucking slut, Luke.”

********

Luke’s mouth snapped shut. His eyes got wide, shining with hurt and what almost looked like fear. His face paled at Calum’s words, and Calum watched as his lower lip started to tremble, his hands shaky at his sides.

********

And, okay, Calum felt like shit for that one. Because he knew how much Luke hated being called slutty, and, really, he wasn’t. He was just like any other normal guy in his twenties, but that word always seemed to strike a nerve in him. Calum had gone too far, they both knew it. But Calum wasn’t backing down.

********

Calum took a breath. “You talk a big game, Luke, about caring about me and being there for me when I need you. And I needed you now. I needed you to come with me to Ashton’s, to listen to me while I explained what he told me last night. And now…” Calum trailed off. “Now I don’t think you ever cared.”

********

Luke’s reply was quick, and Calum guessed he was ignoring his previous comments before this one. “Stop saying that, Cal. I care. I care so much that it fucking kills me inside to see you do this to yourself, and…”

********

Calum looked up at Luke, who was waving his hands in the air, dismissing his last words. “And what, Luke?” Calum asked carefully, taking a few steps closer to his friend.

********

“And…” Luke trailed off, shutting his eyes briefly.

********

And then Luke’s lips were on Calum’s, soft and delicate, a sharp contrast to the roughness of Ashton’s kisses the night before. Luke’s kiss was like butterfly wings, cautious and light. The kiss was just long enough that Calum felt the warmth of Luke’s skin on his own, and the taste of his lips lingering.

********

And then it was over, just as abruptly as it had begun, with Calum’s hands on Luke’s chest, pushing him away. Luke stumbled a little, and Calum could see tears shining his eyes and an apology on his lips.

********

“Don’t, Luke.” Calum said softly, cutting off his friends’ inevitable apology. “How long? How long have you…?” He asked carefully, trailing off at the end.

********

“Loved you?” Luke finished, looking up at Calum with tears in his eyes. “Because that’s what it is, Cal.”

********

Calum exhaled shakily. “Luke…”

********

Luke shook his head. “Too long. It’s been too long, and I’m so fucking sorry.” He breathed out, his voice hoarse. “I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried waiting for you to love me back, I’ve tried waiting for my feelings to fade away, I’ve tried finding someone new. Why do you think I sleep with everyone who showed any kind of interest in me?”

********

“They were distractions, Calum. Temporary fixes. But they never did anything.” Luke admitted, his voice sounding more and more broken the longer he went on. “And now you’ve gone and found Ashton, and you care about him, you really do. I know that, and I know last night was special. But it fucking hurts to see you with someone else when I’ve been loving you for so long.” Luke stopped to take a breath. “I’m sorry, Cal.”

********

Calum opened his mouth, but nothing came out. There was a pause, the silence absolutely deafening to both of them. And Calum stayed quiet. Because he didn’t feel the same, and that hurt. He had been causing his best friend so much pain for so long, and now, when Luke finally confessed, the only thing Calum could offer was more pain.

********

Finally, Luke spoke up. “I know you don’t… I know.” He said quietly. “And I’m not mad. I knew it before I did anything.”

********

“Luke, I’m—”

********

“Don’t apologize. Please.” Luke begged, taking a small breath. “Go to Ashton’s without me, okay? Make sure he’s alright.”

********

Calum shook his head. “Ashton’s fine, he’ll be fine.”

********

Luke opened his mouth to talk before his phone buzzed with a text. He looked down, read it and looked back up at Calum, urgency taking over the hurt in his eyes. “That was Michael, Ashton’s friend from last night. Says you need to go over right away. It’s Ashton.” Luke said quickly.

********

Calum blinked. “Is he…?” He stopped himself. “No, Luke, I’m not leaving you here alone.”

********

“I’m not coming with you.” Luke insisted. “Here, I’ll text Michael and tell him to meet me at mine, okay? That way I’m not alone.”

********

Calum nodded, watching Luke type out the message to Michael. Luke turned and started walking towards the door, stopping when Calum pulled him into a tight hug. Calum wrapped his arms around Luke’s waist and spoke into the skin of Luke’s neck. “You make me so happy. I’m sorry for fighting, for calling you that, for everything. You mean so much to me.” Calum pulled apart, wiping the tears from Luke’s cheeks.

********

“You’re my favorite person, Luke. Don’t you ever forget that.”

********


	11. 11

Calum could tell Ashton had been crying.

It was easy to spot, really. The tear tracks on his cheeks and his puffy eyes gave it away, even if Ashton was asleep at that moment.

When Calum walked in, Michael got up from the couch where he had been sitting next to Ashton with a grateful look. “Thanks for this.” Michael said quietly when he had walked closer to Calum.

Calum shook his head. “I like to think that I’d end up here whether or not you texted Luke.” He pointed out.

Michael smiled softly. “Yeah, thanks.” He repeated, taking a breath and looking back at Ashton. “This is fucking weird.” Michael blurted out.

“What?” Calum looked at Michael, confused.

Michael kept his eyes locked on Ashton’s sleeping figure. “You just met one of your favorite celebrities last night, went home with him, got kicked out in the middle of the night, and now you’re back to help him through what will probably be one of the hardest times in his life. Your life, too.” Michael explained. “It’s just… a lot to go through in such a short amount of time. But I guess that’s what makes you a ‘true fan’ or whatever.”

Calum gave Michael an annoyed look. “I’m not just doing this because I’m a fan of his music.”

Michael shrugged. “It just makes me feel shitty, you know?” He looked back at Calum. “Like, I’ve known Ash all my life, and now I’m leaving him in the hands of a fan, someone he just met last night.”

“Would you stop calling me a fan?” Calum asked.

“Would you stop replacing me?” Michael snapped, slapping his hand up to his mouth as soon as the words came out. “Fuck, Calum, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

Calum cut him off. “It’s okay. I don’t want to replace you.” He insisted, locking his eyes with Michael’s. “I just want to be there for Ashton however I can. Maybe that’s being right here right now, but maybe that’s leaving his life forever tomorrow. I just want what’s best for him.”

Michael scoffed. “How would you know what’s best for Ashton?”

Calum took a breath, trying to remain calm. He hadn’t forgotten about Luke, alone in his apartment, and he really needed Michael to go stay with him. “Something’s going on with him. I’m not stupid, I could tell last night before he kicked me out. I don’t need to know what it is, but I want him to get better. Not because I’m a ‘fan’, but because I actually care.”

Michael was quiet for a minute, as if he was replaying everything Calum had said in his mind. Finally, he nodded. “Alright. Don’t make me regret this, but I trust you.” Michael decided, earning a sigh of relief from Calum, who had quickly decided that having Michael as a friend was much better than having him as anything else. Michael handed Calum his phone. “Put in Luke’s address, will you? And I’ll give you my number in case you need anything.”

Calum nodded, adding Michael’s contact in his phone before looking up at him. “Thanks for taking care of Luke. He needs it right now.”

“It’s my pleasure, really.” Michael replied, a smile crossing his features at the mention of Luke. “Is he… he’s alright, right?” He asked.

Calum bit his lip. “He’s fragile. Just… be gentle with him, okay? But don’t make it seem like you’re being gentle.”

Michael laughed quietly, careful not to wake Ashton. “I would give you the same advice with Ash.”

Calum grinned. “Look at us.” He teased.

Michael mirrored Calum’s smile. “Thanks again for this, Cal. Really means a lot.” He said, walking towards the door.

“Same to you.” Calum responded, Michael walking out after he spoke.

Once Michael had shut the door, Calum turned to look at Ashton. He was asleep, with a pillow clutched to his chest, and his legs tucked under him. Even from the other room, Calum could see the tear tracks on Ashton’s cheeks and just how exhausted he looked, despite the fact that he was asleep.

Calum sighed and made his way over to the couch, sitting down next to Ashton’s head. The tear tracks on his cheeks were even more noticeable from close up, and looking at them made Calum’s heart hurt a bit. Gently, he brushed his thumb across Ashton’s cheeks, wiping away the wetness. Calum told himself it was to ease the feeling in his heart, but he honestly didn’t like the idea of Ashton waking up with tears remaining. But it was fine. Because Calum was still mad at Ashton for the night before.

Calum repeated that in his head over and over again, trying to convince himself that it was true.

Because what Ashton did fucking hurt. And, yes, Ashton was hurting now, but that didn’t make Calum’s hurt go away. He was still mad.

He wasn’t mad enough to keep himself from running his fingers through Ashton’s red hair, which Calum could see was growing out, thanks to the brown roots that were becoming more visible. Calum didn’t notice it the night before, but Ashton’s hair was soft. Maybe it was the fact that there wasn’t any gel in it or that it was tousled from sleep, but Calum felt like he could play with Ashton’s hair forever and not get bored.

_Okay, don’t be a fucking creep, Calum. ___

____

Calum pushed the thought away, telling himself he was doing this to comfort Ashton. Even though he was still mad at him. Because he was.

____

Calum was, in fact, so mad that he chose not to protest when Ashton whined in his sleep and moved his head to rest on Calum’s thigh. Calum’s jaw tightened, and he slowly removed his hand from Ashton’s hair. Until he whined again, making Calum immediately move his hand back to the red curls.

____

Breathing deeply, Ashton finally seemed content. Calum trailed his free hand down Ashton’s side mindlessly. He didn’t mean anything by it, until he felt something jutting out of his side.

____

Oh.

____

Calum paled when he felt Ashton’s ribs poking out from his sides, much more noticeable than normal. He swallowed hard, moving his hand up and down Ashton’s side carefully. He knew what he was doing was fucked up, but he was worried. Ashton was small. His ribs were sharper than they should be, and it made Calum’s twist in his chest.

____

Ashton then rolled onto his back. Calum darted his hand away from his ribs and watched as the pillow that Ashton had been clutching fell to the ground at his movement. He whined again and reached up for something else to hold, settling for Calum’s arm.

____

Calum blinked, looking down at Ashton, still asleep with his head still resting on his thigh. Ashton had his hands wrapped around Calum’s arm, holding it over his chest, and his breathing had grown lighter. Calum took this as a sign that Ashton was finally waking up.

____

Calum watched as Ashton’s eyes fluttered open and squinted slightly at the light. He brought one of his hands up to rub at his eyes, the other subconsciously lacing itself around Calum’s hand. Ashton yawned, moving his hand back down and looking up, his eyes locking with Calum’s.

____

Ashton hummed. “Guess Michael ended up calling Luke then.”

____

Calum bit his lip. “Texted him, actually.” He corrected.

____

And, really? This was the first thing Ashton and Calum said to each other after last night? No apologies, no explanations, nothing.

____

“What’s this?” Ashton held up his and Calum’s hands, still laced together.

____

Calum cleared his throat. “You were holding a pillow, but it fell.” He explained, shrugging.

____

“And I grabbed your hand?”

____

Calum nodded. “Yeah.”

____

“Revolting.” Ashton didn’t let go of Calum’s hand, letting them rest against his chest again. He even gave Calum’s hand a squeeze before he spoke again. “And my head on your lap? I did that, too?”

____

Calum swallowed hard. “Yeah.” He answered.

____

“And your hand in my hair?” Ashton asked, raising his eyebrows.

____

Calum took his hand away from the curls. “That was me.”

____

“Disgusting.” Ashton commented. “Do it again.”

____

Calum snorted, bringing his hand back to Ashton’s hair. The two sat in a comfortable silence for a while, Ashton content with Calum’s hand back in his curls and Calum being more than happy to help. The feeling of Ashton’s sharp ribs still stuck out in Calum’s mind, but he pushed it aside for now, knowing that bringing it up would only lead to Ashton pushing him away.

____

Ashton finally said something. “You saw the pictures then, yeah?”

____

Calum took a breath. “Yeah.” He looked away. “I didn’t think anyone would be out that late, Ashton. I shouldn’t have been so obvious about it. I’m so fucking sorry, and I swear I’ll—”

____

“Want to be my photographer for tour?” Ashton blurted out.

____

Calum’s breath caught in his throat, and his eyes widened. He looked down at Ashton, expecting to see some kind of teasing look in his eyes, but he was completely serious, despite the fact that he was still resting against Calum’s thigh.

____

Ashton had to be joking. It made no sense for him to want to spend more time with Calum, especially after the night before. Ashton didn’t like Calum. And Calum didn’t like Ashton. Well, that’s what he told himself.

____

“That makes absolutely no sense, Ashton.” Calum deadpanned.

____

Ashton sat up, his eyes shining with sincerity. “See, that’s where you’re wrong. I’ve been thinking. I can’t have people knowing I’m not straight. Not yet, at least. Management would probably drop me, and I would be done for as an artist.” Ashton confessed, looking a bit shaken up at the thought. “But if you come with me on tour, this can go away. It’ll be like we already knew each other, and we just got a little too drunk. It happens.”

____

Calum blinked. It made sense. Kind of. There was just one part that Calum couldn’t help but focus on. “So you want me as your photographer to hide the fact that you like dick, not because you like my work.”

____

Ashton grinned. “Wrong again.” He reached over and grabbed his phone from the coffee table, scrolling through it for a second before handing it to Calum, who looked down to see his Instagram page opened. “Michael and I thought of this earlier today. Before he texted Luke, he helped me find your Instagram, and we looked at your work. You’re crazy fucking talented, Calum.”

____

And, okay. Calum felt like dying because Ashton thought he was talented. The compliment made his heart flutter, and he felt his cheeks heat up. “You know this is one of my biggest dreams ever, right?” Calum blurted out, handing Ashton’s phone back to him.

____

Ashton shrugged. “I assumed. Based on your story highlight titled Ash.” He teased, a smile on his face.

____

Calum’s face flushed. “We don’t have to talk about that.”

____

“Oh, but can we?” Ashton beamed. “I mean, you were going straight to the nicknames and everything.”

____

Calum put his head in his hands in embarrassment. “Yeah, that’s getting deleted.”

____

Ashton giggled. “No, keep it.” He pleaded. “I’ll need something to cheer me up every now and then.”

____

Calum shook his head. “This is bullying.”

____

“I just offered you the biggest job you’ve ever had. This is the opposite of bullying.” Ashton pointed out.

____

Calum looked up. “You have a point.”

____

“I know I do.” Ashton said. “And, really, it’s a good deal. All you have to do is take pictures of me this tour. You’ll get paid, see the world, and I’ll even let you bring Luke. We’ll keep us as ‘just friends’, and my secret stays hidden, okay? It’s like I’m your sugar daddy.”

____

Calum snorted. “I don’t think you know what a sugar daddy is, Ashton.”

____

“Well, this is close enough.” Ashton dismissed, waving his hand in the air. “So will you do it? Please, Cali?”

____

Calum gave Ashton a dirty look at the nickname because he fucking knew that using it would hit a spot in Calum’s heart. He hadn’t forgotten about Ashton’s ribs, and going on tour with him would be a good way to keep an eye on him. Not to mention it was probably the best thing that could ever happen to Calum’s career as a photographer. Plus, he and Ashton would just be friends. No chance of getting hurt when there was nothing to get hurt over, right?

____

Calum nodded, a small smile gracing his features. “I’ll do it.”

____

Calum felt his phone buzz in his pocket, and he looked up to see a smile on Ashton’s face. Curious, Calum looked down at his phone.

____

_@ashtonirwin followed you on Instagram ___

____

____

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok yes calum joining ashton on tour is kinda rushed but pls dont attack me the rest of the fic is good i swear


	12. 12

Luke was having trouble believing it, Ashton could tell. And, honestly, it was fair.

“You’re just going to, what, bring me along? Like I’m an accessory?” Luke snapped at Calum.

Calum swallowed and glanced nervously at Ashton, who just looked away and acted like he didn’t hear anything. Michael, who was sitting next to Luke, spoke up. “Involving yourself with Ashton would definitely jumpstart your modeling career, Luke.”

Luke glared at Michael, who held his stare steadily. “I don’t want to be ‘the model that’s friends with Ashton Irwin’, Michael.” He explained. “I want to do this myself, have people hire me for me.”

“Yeah, how’s that going?” Ashton couldn’t stop himself from mumbling, earning a furious look from Luke.

Calum whipped his head around and narrowed his eyes at Ashton. “Really, Ash?”

Ashton rolled his eyes, turning to face Luke. “This is the opportunity of a lifetime, Luke. It probably won’t happen again. You should take it.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” Luke spat.

Calum looked back at Luke longingly. “Come on, Lu. I’ll be gone for months, and I want my best friend with me.”

Ashton watched as Luke’s determined gaze melted when he met Calum’s eyes. The two simply stared at each other for a moment or so, their eyes speaking for them. Finally, Calum spoke. “You’re really going to leave me with these two idiots?” He asked, nodding towards Ashton and Michael.

“Hey!” Michael looked at Calum in mock offense, while Ashton just nudged his side teasingly.

Luke smiled at Michael before responding. “Fine.” He mumbled, earning an excited shout from Calum and a side hug from Michael. Luke laughed, wrapping his hands around Michael’s arm while he clung onto his side. “I’m doing this because I don’t want Calum to be stuck with you for months, okay? Not because I want your help.” Luke clarified, looking at Ashton.

Ashton scoffed, opening his mouth to snap back at Luke, but he stopped himself when Calum met his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. I got it.” Ashton brushed Luke’s sass off, reveling in the smile Calum reacted with.

After a few more minutes of talking, Michael and Luke left Calum’s apartment, off to go help Luke pack for the tour. Ashton had managed to convince Calum to let him stay, despite the fact that he had a meeting with his management. He could be a little late. It’s not like he could be in any more trouble than he already was.

Ashton knew what he said about just staying friends with Calum, but it was practically impossible to do so when Calum looked particularly adorable at that moment. He had a bucket hat resting on his dark curls. Ashton smiled when he saw that the bucket hat was from his own merch line, his name embroidered on the front of the hat. Ashton felt his heart skip a beat when he realized that.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Calum suddenly asked, looking up from his suitcase.

Ashton blinked, his breath getting caught in his throat. “You just… you look nice.” He blurted out.

Calum scrunched up his face, which honestly just made Ashton’s heart melt a little more. “What do you mean ‘nice’?”

“What?” Ashton asked in a snappy voice. “I can’t acknowledge you’re attractive and look absolutely adorable in that hat that has my name on it? Newsflash, you’re fucking gorgeous, asshole!”

Ashton expected Calum to scoff and turn away, maybe even get a little annoyed. Instead, Calum smiled, his cheeks flushing. “That was aggressive.”

Ashton sighed. “Sorry.” He sat down on the edge of Calum’s bed, who sat down next to him slowly. “I don’t know how we’re going to stay just friends, Cal.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Calum looked at Ashton.

Ashton flopped down on his back, bringing his arm up to cover his eyes. “It means that I feel like shit for what I did that night, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I hate myself for sending you away. And I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Ash…” Calum trailed off, looking down at Ashton. “You don’t have to—”

“Yeah, I do.” Ashton snapped, cutting Calum off. “Because all you did was care, and I pushed you away.”

Calum went quiet, and Ashton knew why. It was because he was right, Ashton should be sorry. Ashton sighed and took his arm off of his eyes. “Say something, Cal. Please.”

Calum looked back at Ashton, meeting his eyes. As far as Ashton knew, Calum could either start yelling at Ashton for leaving him, or he could just walk out all together.

Calum, though, must have thought otherwise.

Because just a few moments later, he was sat on top of Ashton, straddling his waist. Ashton’s eyes widened, and he clenched his jaw to keep himself quiet. Calum just smiled before leaning down and brushing his lips against Ashton’s softly.

The softness of the kiss immediately turned eagar and needy, and it took Ashton a moment to catch up. Once he did, though, his hands were like magnets attached to Calum’s hips and sides, all soft in the right places.

Ashton even let it slip out, his voice practically a moan. “You have the prettiest waist… so pretty.”

Calum replied with a swivel of his hips against Ashton’s front, humming into his mouth. “Just friends, Ashy?” He smirked, catching Ashton’s bottom lip in his teeth.

Ashton stared up at Calum, who was trailing his hands down Ashton’s sides. Ashton revelled in it, enjoying the feeling of Calum’s hands on his body. God, Ashton missed this. Calum was like a drug. Ashton couldn’t get enough, always needing more. He whined when Calum’s squeezed gently at his sides before traveling down to his ribs.

And then Ashton froze.

He jumped, sitting up against the wall. Ashton’s eyes were squeezed shut, and his chest was rising and falling rapidly. Because Calum had felt him _there _. And Ashton knew his ribs were sticking out, and now Calum knew, too. Ashton felt tears prick the corners of his eyes.__

__And then Calum was by his side, his arm wrapped around his shoulders. “Ash?” He asked. His gentle voice was a sharp contrast from the desperate, whining tone he had been using before._ _

__Ashton shook his head, leaning his head back against the wall. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I can’t—”_ _

__“Shh, Ashton.” Calum cut him off carefully, running a hand through Ashton’s hair. “It’s alright. Don’t apologize. Please.”_ _

__Ashton swallowed hard. “Okay.”_ _

__The two were quiet for a moment. Ashton’s head rested against Calum’s shoulder, who was playing with the red curls mindlessly. Finally, Calum spoke up. “Hey, Ash?”_ _

__Ashton looked up at Calum. “Yeah?”_ _

__“Can I ask what happened?” Calum’s voice was soft, and Ashton felt himself desperate to answer. But he just couldn’t. So Calum continued. “Did I do something?” He asked, voice breaking slightly._ _

__“I don’t know, Cal.” Ashton breathed out._ _

__“Ash, what happened?” Calum asked again, and Ashton could hear the frustration growing in his voice._ _

__Ashton squeezed his eyes shut. He was fucking screwed. He couldn’t tell Calum the truth, that he hadn’t eaten for three days. Ashton had to say something, though. The silence was deafening, and Calum wouldn’t stop staring at him with that expectant look in his eyes._ _

__Everything became too much, and Ashton exploded._ _

__“I’m sorry, okay?” Ashton snapped, sitting up. He felt dizzy for a second, but it went away. Calum looked surprised, and Ashton really wanted to ask him why. Calum wanted to talk, so fine. Here was his talk._ _

__“I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t know why I’m not fucking good enough for you, and I hate that you’re mad at me. I haven’t done anything wrong, okay? You’re the one making things like this, you’re the one making us fight.” Ashton snapped, glaring at Calum. “I hate fighting, so stop making me.”_ _

__Calum’s eyes narrowed at him. “You’re not good enough? Since when? When have I ever said that?”_ _

__“You’re mad at me!” Ashton yelled._ _

__“Because you’re not talking to me!” Calum yelled back. “You’re shutting me out, you’re shutting everyone out. The only person who seems to know anything is Michael. What’s that about, huh?”_ _

__“Michael doesn’t yell at me.” Ashton’s sniffled, feeling like he was going to cry. That would just make his headache hurt worse._ _

__Calum sighed. “I don’t want to yell at you. I try not to, I try to understand, but you haven’t told me anything.”_ _

__Ashton groaned, frustrated. “Because there’s nothing to tell! I’m fine!”_ _

__“You’re not fine, Ashton.” Calum said sternly. “And don’t give me any of that ‘you don’t know me’ bullshit because I know when someone is hurting.”_ _

__“I don’t want you to be mad at me.” Ashton said weakly._ _

__Calum made a face at that. “Don’t do that, Ash, shit. Don’t make me feel like I’ve been taking advantage of you or something.”_ _

__“You haven’t.” Ashton assured. “It’s not like that.”_ _

__Calum took a breath, leaning his head against the wall. “You can’t just throw yourself at me and think I won’t get angry. I’m allowed to be angry.”_ _

__Ashton started to cry then, even though he tried really hard not to. His head hurt and his stomach was in knots and Calum was mad at him and he just wasn’t fucking _good enough _anymore. Ashton kept hurting the one person he wanted more than anything, and he honestly just wanted to throw up or drown in his tears because everything sucked right now._ _ __

__

__Calum sighed, and he pulled Ashton’s hands away from his face so he could wipe at his tears. Ashton let him, sniffling pitifully, and when Calum realized that Ashton wasn’t going to stop crying anytime soon, he pulled him into his side and stroked at his hair, shushing him quietly._ _

__

__“I’ve never seen you cry before.” Calum said quietly, pulling a blanket over them._ _

__

__Ashton sniffled again. “I don’t feel good.”_ _

__

__“What’s wrong, love?”_ _

__

__“‘M just super nauseous, and I’ve got a giant headache.”_ _

__

__“Are you pregnant?” Calum joked, and it made Ashton smile a little. “You need anything? Water, medicine, something to eat?”_ _

__

__Ashton shook his head. “No, I’m okay.” He murmured._ _

__

__Ashton could eat something to ease his body’s panic when Calum wouldn’t be around so he wouldn’t see him throw it up. Because that happened sometimes. Not on purpose, obviously, but it happened._ _

__

__“I’m okay.” Ashton said again, and then Calum started to hum softly, lulling them both to sleep._ _

__

____

__


	13. 13

At first, telling Calum about not feeling good just a few weeks back seemed harmless. It’s not like Calum would jump from a headache to an eating disorder, and, honestly, Ashton wanted the comfort, especially since tour started in the next few days. But then Michael came around, looking for Calum, who went on to tell him that Ashton had been feeling sick. And Ashton knew that Michael would connect the dots. He was the closest to the mess in Ashton’s head, the only one who Ashton would admit to that something was wrong.

Michael knew that sometimes Ashton couldn’t eat. He knew that Ashton had practically no control over the biggest parts of his life, and that this ended up being something he could control. Michael had once taken Ashton to the hospital after he had passed out. Ashton didn’t remember much of it, just the terrified look in Michael’s eyes when he woke up. And it was enough to get Ashton to stop skipping meals in front of his friend.

Ashton told Michael the mess going on in his head. Now that Calum had given him another piece of the puzzle, Ashton knew it wouldn’t take Michael long to figure out what was happening.

Ashton was at the studio with Michael to prepare for the tour. Calum had practically begged to come with when he heard where the two were going, saying that seeing the place where Ashton Irwin recorded his albums was an absolute dream of his. Ashton had just rolled his eyes, while Michael said that Calum could only come if Luke did, too.

“Luke, if you don’t shut up about being dragged along, I’m going to throw away all of your nail polish.” Calum swore when Luke started to complain again.

Luke groaned. “I was busy, Cal. I had to get someone to cover my shift because unlike some people, I have a fucking job.”

Calum looked at Luke, shocked, while Ashton snorted in laughter. “Don’t blame me for getting fired! Blame him!” Calum exclaimed, pointing at Ashton.

Ashton smiled. “Who was the one who had their lips attached to my neck, hm?” He teased, revelling in the blush that made its way to Calum’s cheeks. “You wanted me to take you home in the first place, Cali, remember that?”

Calum opened his mouth to protest, but Michael beat him to it. “And just like that, you’ve made everyone uncomfortable.” He deadpanned.

Luke nodded in agreement, while Ashton just laughed before Calum spoke up. “When I said I wanted to go to the studio, this is not what I thought it was going to be like.”

Michael glanced at Calum. “Want me to show you around?” He asked. “I could show you Ash’s drums and the guitars he used for this album.”

Calum lit up, Ashton’s heart melting at the look on his face. “Yes! Yes, please, Michael, we’re leaving now. Let’s go.” Calum exclaimed, shooting up from the couch he was draped across and rushing to the door.

Ashton smiled at Calum, who was practically buzzing at the door while waiting for Michael. Sometimes he forgot that Calum was still a fan of Ashton, despite knowing him better than most of the people in Ashton’s life. Ashton didn’t exactly get it, but he supposed it must be difficult for Calum to wrap his head around all this sometimes. But then he would kiss Ashton hard against the doorframe of Ashton’s apartment, and then Ashton didn’t think it was all that difficult for Calum anymore.

“You coming, Ash?” Calum asked, breaking Ashton out of his thoughts.

Ashton bit his lip. He wanted to go, really. He longed to see that excited look in Calum’s eyes when he made his way further into Ashton’s life. But the nausea was still clawing in Ashton’s stomach, and he knew he should eat soon, when he had the privacy to freak out and wouldn’t have to deal with it later in front of Calum. Because he was going to have to eat that day, he knew that. This couldn’t escalate to not eating for days on end.

So Ashton shook his head, making up some excuse about needing to be alone for a moment. Michael gave him a weird look, but he soon left the room with Luke and Calum without a protest. Ashton went to the fridge and got out a small salad, partly because he was scared that anything heavier than that would make him throw up and partly because he was still strict about what he put into his body.

Ashton went back to the couch and turned on some music to try and ease his anxiety. The fork was heavy in his hand, and the food was daunting. Ashton wanted to cry with how much he fucking hated himself.

Because eating shouldn’t be scary or difficult, he shouldn’t have let himself get back to this place again. He knew he should tell someone, anyone. Ashton wasn’t in denial about being sick. Being hyper aware about what he was eating was one thing, but starving himself was entirely different.

“Just fucking eat it, Ash.” He told himself, cringing at how wet and hoarse his voice was. He wouldn’t cry. It was just eating. People were literally designed to eat. Ashton would die without eating, and he really, really didn’t want to die. But at this rate, his heart would give out by twenty seven, or he would pass out and hit his head and bleed to death.

Calum would probably be the one to find him, and then Ashton would fuck up Calum’s entire life, too. And his family, God, his mother, how could he do this to her? She deserved a strong son, one that she could count on.

Ashton squeezed his eyes shut and shoveled the food into his mouth as fast as he could, without thinking too much about it. _Chew, chew, chew, next. _That was all he let himself think. Because thinking about anything else made it harder to breathe.__

__Once Ashton was done, his stomach was in knots, and there were tears in his eyes. He was afraid he was going to throw up. Ashton pushed the bowl way and laid down on his back, covering his face with his hands and letting the tears flow freely._ _

__Then the door opened._ _

__“Your studio sucks, so I— what the fuck is going on?” Luke blurted out, rushing to the couch._ _

__Ashton shot up, furiously wiping the tears from his eyes and ignoring the nausea that rolled through his stomach. “Nothing. Shut up.” He snapped._ _

__Luke rolled his eyes. “No.” He deadpanned. “What happened, Ashton?”_ _

__“Nothing.” Ashton looked away._ _

__“Looks like nothing.” Luke mumbled, glancing at the empty salad bowl that rested on the table by the couch._ _

__Ashton sighed. “Are you going to tell Calum?” He asked weakly._ _

__Luke looked at Ashton. “Do you want me to tell Calum?”_ _

__“No.” Ashton said quickly._ _

__Luke nodded. “Then I won’t tell Calum.”_ _

__Ashton exhaled in relief. Luke had no reason to be kind to Ashton, after they had argued so many times. Ashton was pretty sure that Luke hated him for hurting Calum the night they met, and now he was dragging Calum and Luke on tour with him. But, yet, here Luke was, saying that he would keep something from his best friend for Ashton._ _

__Ashton couldn’t help it. “Why?”_ _

__“Why aren’t I telling Calum?” Luke asked, continuing when Ashton nodded. Luke sighed and sat down next to him. “Calum and I… it’s weird between us right now.”_ _

__Ashton blinked. “Weird?” He repeated. “Calum seems fine to me.”_ _

__Luke scoffed. “Yeah, Calum’s fine. Me? Not so much.”_ _

__“Well, what happened?”_ _

__Lule glanced at Ashton. “I’ll tell you if you tell me why you were crying.”_ _

__Ashton bit his lip. He had wanted to tell someone about what was happening for a while, and Luke honestly seemed like a good option. He wouldn’t break down like Calum, but he wouldn’t worry too much like Michael would. Luke didn’t even _like _Ashton.___ _

____“Michael knows that something is up.” Luke pointed out. “Calum wants to know, too. They care about you, Ash. I do, too. Is something going on?”_ _ _ _

____Ashton squeezed his eyes shut. He was putting his friends through hell, he knew that much. He knew they cared, but he couldn’t tell them. Luke was different. Luke would stay calm, and it really would be nice to stop keeping a secret from everyone._ _ _ _

____Ashton found himself staring at the clock rather than Luke’s eyes. He wasn’t going to judge Ashton, he knew that. He wasn’t going to call him stupid or say that he was weak, and Ashton doesn’t think he would tell anyone._ _ _ _

____And, yet, Ashton stayed quiet, paralyzed with fear. He forced himself to stay in the room, on the couch with Luke, and not get up and find Michael and Calum around the studio. Ashton was terrified he would convince himself to leave, but he couldn’t. Someone needed to know, even if it was Luke. He had his hand resting on top of Ashton’s, rubbing the top of his hand with his thumb._ _ _ _

____When Ashton nodded his head, tears sprung to his eyes. There was no going back now. He couldn’t just deny it after just admitting that something was in fact wrong. So Ashton just said it._ _ _ _

____“I can’t eat.”_ _ _ _

______ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter n the next one are why lashton have the best dynamic in this imo


	14. 14

Everything stopped. It felt like it did, anyway. But the only thing that really stopped was Luke’s hand. The music still hummed softly in the background, and Ashton could still hear his and Luke’s breathing. He held his breath.

Luke started moving again after a long minute. It seemed more stiff now, like he was unsure what to do. “On purpose?” He asked slowly.

“Yeah.” Ashton said in a small voice. “Aside from that salad, I haven’t eaten in three days.”

“That’s a dangerous game to play, Ash.”

“I know.”

“How long?”

Ashton swallowed thickly. “Since I started writing the album. But it’s been happening since I was young.”

“Shit, Ashton.”

It went quiet. Perhaps there was just nothing left to say anymore. Ashton didn’t think that Luke was the type of person that would bombard him with a thousand questions or tell him off for being stupid. When Luke wasn’t lashing out, he seemed more sensitive and really tried his best to keep everyone happy. Or maybe Ashton was looking too far into things, and Luke was just too disgusted to formulate a proper response.

The silence stretched on, neither of them breaking it until Ashton’s phone lit up with a text from Calum. He sighed and reached for his phone before Luke spoke up. “Does anyone know?”

Ashton looked back. “Michael.” He answered. “He knows that it’s happened before, but I don’t think he knows it’s happening again.”

Luke spoke again after a beat. “We should go out for breakfast tomorrow or something.”

Ashton smiled thinly, not looking at him. “Is that a joke?”

“No, it’s not.” Luke moved closer to him, and their shoulders touched. “Look, skipping meals every once in a while is one thing. Going days without eating is something entirely different. You can’t— that’s going to do serious damage to your health if you keep this up.”

“I’m terrified my heart is just going to give out.” Ashton admitted, finally turning slightly to look at Luke. “I don’t think I’ve been doing it long enough for that to happen, but it scares the shit out of me. I don’t want—” Ashton fumbled with his words while Luke squeezed his hand. “This isn’t about hurting myself. That’s not what I want.”

Luke nodded. “That’s good, but, like, either way, it ends up being what you’re doing, you know?”

“I know.” Ashton whispered.

He imagined that he could feel his veins being drained as they spoke. That right then and there, his muscles were shrinking rapidly and his heart was slowing and his nails were thinning and he could feel it all, yet, somehow, he couldn’t. That wasn’t how it worked. It was all in his head, but that seemed to be where the worst of things happened.

“I think you should tell Cal.” Luke said. His voice was stern, like he really thought that it was the best thing to do next. It wasn’t. Calum would convince him to call off the tour, force him back home to LA and keep him huddled under a stack of blankets away from the world.

Ashton shrugged lightly. “He knows I’m hiding something.”

“They both do.” Luke sighed at the devastated expression on Ashton’s face after he said that. “They don’t exactly know why, well, Michael might, but they know you’re, like, distant. Calum made a group chat a few nights ago.”

“Great.” Ashton said sarcastically.

He wasn’t exactly surprised to hear that, though. If Calum thought something was wrong, he would do something. But he didn’t like that Calum thought something was wrong in the first place.

“Don’t try to act like nothing’s wrong around him, Ash.” Luke said, earning a huff from Ashton. Luke shook his head. “I’m serious. He already knows, and if you act like nothing’s wrong, he’ll just get more suspicious. He’s not stupid.”

“I know that!” Ashton snapped.

Luke flinched at Ashton’s aggressive tone. “Stop yelling at me! I’m only trying to help.” He said in a small voice.

Ashton blinked. Luke had never sounded so scared around him before, usually resorting to snappy comebacks and retorts. Ashton was being too harsh, he knew that much. But he hated this. Ashton couldn’t even remember why he told Luke in the first place.

And then he did.

“What’s going on with you and Calum?” Ashton asked suddenly.

Luke swallowed hard. “Changing the subject now?” He asked dryly.

“You said that you’d tell me if I told you.” Ashton said sternly. “And I did.”

Luke shook his head. “You’re going to hate me.”

Ashton bit his lip, moving closer to Luke. “No, I won’t.”

Luke looked up, his eyes angry. “You already do!”

Ashton held his breath. Too much had happened in the past ten minutes, and now Luke was saying that he hated him. Ashton closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to slow his heartbeat to a normal pace. Once he opened them, Luke was looking at the floor, and Ashton could see his eyes sparkling with tears. “You always yell at me and snap at me whenever I’m speaking up for myself, and you keep… you keep stealing Calum away!” Luke cried out, his voice breaking. “He was _my _best friend first, and now he’s only focused on being your… your boyfriend? Your fuck buddy? He doesn’t even know what you two are, but he cares more about that than me, and I…”__

__Ashton wrapped his fingers around Luke’s, squeezing tightly. “I don’t hate you, Lu. I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole, and I know that apology is well overdue. It’s just… I don’t know. You and Cal are so close, and I can’t help but get jealous sometimes.”_ _

__“Jealous?” Luke whipped around. “He hardly ever speaks to me anymore, saying that I’m too mean to you.”_ _

__“Luke, don’t let it get to you.” Ashton comforted, feeling surprisingly light after telling Luke his secret. Ashton guessed that it was because he was now helping Luke get through something, which in turn helped him. “You two are going to be with each other for the rest of your lives. You’re going through a rough patch, sure, but you guys are about to travel the fucking world together, doing what you love along the way.” Ashton sighed, turning Luke’s attention to him. “Close your eyes, Lu. Imagine going everywhere you’ve ever dreamed of going with Calum. You two are going to be just—”_ _

__“I love him, Ashton.” Luke blurted out, squeezing both Ashton’s hand and his own eyes shut tighter, as if that would block out any reaction Ashton had._ _

__But Ashton didn’t react._ _

__Because he already knew._ _

__Ashton had first hand experience on what it was like having feelings for Calum, and as soon as he saw the way Luke melted under Calum’s gaze, he knew that Luke had fallen for him, too._ _

__“Please, don’t be mad.” Luke’s desperate pleas cut into Ashton’s thoughts. Ashton looked up to see tears falling down Luke’s cheeks. “Calum already knows, I told him, and he doesn’t… he still wants to… he likes _you _, Ashton. So you don’t have to—”___ _

____Ashton rested his hand on Luke’s cheek and wiped away the tears. “I’m not mad, Lu.” He said softly._ _ _ _

____Luke blinked, a few more tears falling as a result. “What? You’re not? How are you not…?”_ _ _ _

____Ashton shook his head. “I already knew.” He admitted in a gentle voice. “I know how it is with Calum, how you just fall for him so quickly and melt at anything and everything he does. I’ve been through it. Fuck, I’m still going through it.” Ashton took a breath. “But you two have known each other your whole lives. I can’t hate you for feeling exactly what I’m feeling, too.”_ _ _ _

____Luke blinked. “You… you love him?”_ _ _ _

____Ashton bit his lip. “I’m getting there. I don’t…” He shook his head and looked back at Luke. “This isn’t about me. Look, I still care about you. I still want you to come with us, and I know Calum does, too. Not to mention Michael, he won’t shut the fuck up about you sometimes.”_ _ _ _

____“Michael?” Luke repeated, confused._ _ _ _

____Ashton waved him off. “I swear, he’s in love with you or something.”_ _ _ _

____Luke looked away, lost in thought. “Oh.”_ _ _ _

____Ashton didn’t notice. “What I’m saying is that nobody is mad at you.” He supplied, drawing Luke’s attention back onto him. “Hell, you have no idea how grateful I am for you right now. If you weren’t here, I’d probably be throwing up half of a salad right now.”_ _ _ _

____“Ash…” Luke tensed._ _ _ _

____Ashton squeezed Luke’s hand. “But you _are _here. And I am, too.”___ _ _ _

______Luke nodded. “I swear I’m helping you through this shit, okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______And then Ashton was crying because he really didn’t think he was getting out of this again. But Luke would help, he really believed that._ _ _ _ _ _

______“We’re done fighting, done arguing.” Luke went on, his voice less shaky now. “We’re getting each other out of this hell, I promise.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Ashton sniffled, nodding slightly in response. He took a breath._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Okay.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _


	15. 15

Calum had his head resting on Ashton’s lap while the singer typed away at his laptop, yawning every now and then. The two were in the living room of Calum’s apartment, simply enjoying each others’ presence. It was quiet but comfortable.

Calum was finally starting to wrap his head around the dream that was quickly becoming his life. Just three weeks ago, he was a bartender at The Ivy, and in a few days he would be going with Ashton Irwin on a worldwide tour. It was insane, really.

Except Calum had stopped thinking it was insane. And he had stopped thinking of Ashton as “Ashton Irwin”. Thoughts of Ashton in interviews and on stage had quickly been replaced with real moments of Ashton. Calum’s favorites weren’t even the ones involving Ashton’s career. He liked it when Ashton would play piano and hum a melody softly when he didn’t know Calum was listening. He liked the way Ashton would slowly drink his iced coffee in the mornings, as if he were lost in thought as the sun rose. But Calum especially liked moments like these, when the two would just sit in the comfortable silence together.

But Calum also thought too much silence was a little awkward, so he liked it when they talked, too.

“Hey, Ash?” Calum asked, blinking up at Ashton.

Ashton looked away from his computer and down at Calum, who still had his head on Ashton’s lap. “Yeah?”

Calum sat up. “I’ve been thinking…”

Ashton bit his lip. “That’s never good.” He teased.

Calum laughed quietly before shaking his head. “It’s nothing, really. It’s just…” He took a breath. “We’re leaving LA tomorrow, and the only time you leave my apartment is to go to your house.” Calum said bluntly.

“I went to Shake Shack yesterday.” Ashton pointed out.

“You drove and made Michael get out of the car while you hid under the dash.”

Ashton blinked. “And…? That’s my prerogative.”

Calum shook his head again. “Ash, no.” He said, laughing a little at how serious Ashton seemed to be taking things. “I’m saying don’t you think you should see LA a bit more while you can?”

“I guess.” Ashton shrugged, looking away.

Calum moved closer to Ashton, not believing him for a second. “What? What’s that face?”

“What face?” Ashton asked, looking at Calum.

Calum put both hands on Ashton’s cheeks, squishing his face teasingly. “This face.” He said, his heart fluttering when he felt Ashton smile in his hands.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ashton replied, brushing Calum’s hands away.

Calum huffed. “Come on. Talk to me.” He urged. “Please?” Calum added, earning an eye roll from Ashton.

“I don’t want to deal with it all.” Ashton said after a moment or two, continuing when Calum gave him a confused look. “Last meeting I had with management, they told me to just let the whole situation after The Ivy go, not to talk about it in interviews or with the press or anything. We both know that the first question anyone would ask is gonna be about that night, so I’m just not leaving the house.” Ashton shrugged. “It’s a solution.”

“It’s unhealthy.” Calum said bluntly. “You can’t just stay in my apartment forever.”

Ashton blinked. “What, you’re kicking me out now?”

“You’re kicking Ashton out?” Michael suddenly said, walking into Calum’s apartment behind Luke, who held his extra key in his hand. “Not cool. You know he has a crush on you, right?”

Calum snorted while Ashton smacked Michael’s arm. “Shut the fuck up.”

Michael rolled his eyes, sitting down. “Calm your tits. Everyone knows you two are dating.”

Ashton whipped around, looking at Calum in confusion. Calum just stayed quiet because, honestly, he had no idea what was going on with him and Ashton. One minute, Ashton would claim they were “just friends”, and the next Ashton was on top of him. So, not saying anything seemed to be the right thing to do.

“No one actually thinks we’re dating, right?” Ashton asked, looking at Luke and Michael.

Luke cleared his throat. “Raise your hand if you think Calum and Ashton are dating.”

Both Michael and Luke raised their hands quickly, earning a scoff from Ashton. Calum bit his lip before slowly raising his own hand. Ashton didn’t even turn around to look at Calum before speaking. “Cal, put your hand down.”

Calum groaned. “Since when are we _not _dating? I thought that going with you on tour meant I got to be Ashton Irwin’s boyfriend.” He teased.__

__Ashton rolled his eyes. “You all are insufferable.”_ _

__“At least we leave the house.” Calum shot back without missing a beat._ _

__Michael laughed loudly, giving Calum a high five over Ashton, who just grumbled something about bullying before standing up and walking towards the fridge._ _

__“My point still remains, Ashton.” Calum called, making Ashton look up. “You should go out tonight before we leave LA for tour.”_ _

__Ashton shook his head. “Cal, I’d really rather not deal with a bunch of clueless people asking if I like dick.”_ _

__Luke spoke up. “Well, you do. Why don’t you tell them?”_ _

__The room fell quiet. Calum had honestly been trying to avoid asking Ashton that. He had the idea that if Ashton wanted to talk about it, he would, and it seemed like a touchy subject._ _

__Clearly, Luke gave no fucks because a few moments later, he spoke up again. “Does your team not let you or something?”_ _

__Calum watched Ashton’s jaw tighten, and for a second he thought that Luke was about to get punched in the face. But then Ashton relaxed, exhaling slowly before saying anything. “It’s ‘strongly advised’ that I ‘keep this to myself for now’. That’s what they said last meeting.” Ashton explained in a steady voice. “Pretty much everybody who was in the room said it’s going to hurt my career if I come out. And I really like my career.”_ _

__“So, what, it’s a ‘right person, right time, wrong management’?” Luke asked curiously. “And you’ve never just asked yourself why?”_ _

__Calum and Michael looked at each other warily, while Luke just stared cluelessly at Ashton. Ashton was looking at the floor, lost in his head, which was something that Calum knew was bad._ _

__Before he could say something, Luke had started again. “Ash, we both know that shit that’s going on in each other’s lives.” Luke stopped when Ashton whipped his head up and glared at Luke, nodding towards Calum. Luke just shook his head calmly, his next words a bit quieter. “I won’t say anything.” He said softly._ _

__Oh. So Luke knew something. That meant that Michael probably knew something, too. Calum felt, well, he felt like complete shit. He and Ashton were supposed to be close, at least friends if not more, and yet he didn’t have a clue what was going on._ _

__Calum bit his lip. Everyone knew something, that much was clear. Did Calum know something? Maybe he was just too dumb to realize it. But really the only thing he knew about was Ashton’s thing with his ribs. Calum was sure that something wasn’t right with Ashton though, which was why he created the group chat a while ago._ _

__Luke’s voice cut into Calum’s thoughts. “I will say this, Ash. You’ve gotta get out of your head.” He said, turning to face a shocked Calum and Michael. “It’s our last night in LA. I know that none of us want to spend it in Calum’s apartment. No offense, Cal.”_ _

__Calum smiled, happy that Luke seemed to be getting somewhere, despite the fact that Calum was clueless as to how. He would talk to his friend about it later. “None taken.”_ _

__Luke nodded, turning back to Ashton. “Even your boyfriend wants you to leave his apartment.”_ _

__Ashton rolled his eyes. “He’s not my boyfriend.”_ _

__“Yeah, but we can still make fun of you for it.” Michael chimed in, standing up and walking towards Ashton. “So? Are we going out tonight?”_ _

__Ashton clenched his jaw, looking nervous. He glanced at Calum helplessly, who just smiled, knowing exactly how he would convince Ashton. “Can you guys give us a minute? I have something I want to talk to Ashton about.” Calum asked, looking at Michael and Luke._ _

__Michael and Luke looked surprised for a moment, before exchanging a knowing look and walking out of Calum’s apartment with a wave._ _

__“We’ll be at The Ivy.” Michael said._ _

__“We’ll be at mine.” Luke said at the same time as Michael, glancing at him with wide eyes._ _

__The two blushed before rushing out of Calum’s apartment, earning a laugh from Ashton. He and Calum were now alone in the apartment._ _

__And Calum had a plan._ _

____


	16. 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> calum's plan is stupid who saw that coming

Ashton turned to face Calum. “They talk about how we’re dating, but have they not seen themselves?” He asked, as Calum stood up from the couch and moved closer to Ashton. “I mean, they’re just so—”

Calum cut off Ashton’s words by pressing his lips to Ashton’s, who let out a muffled yelp of surprise before melting against Calum. There was something about Ashton’s kisses that drove Calum wild. They were sweet, yet so controlling. Calum just couldn’t get enough. He could kiss Ashton till the day he died.

Ashton moved his hand down to Calum’s waist, the other wrapping around the back of Calum’s neck. Before Calum could protest, not that he would, his back was against the wall, with Ashton licking into his mouth fiercely. Calum accepted it reflexively, the feeling too good to want to fight off. When Ashton was finished, Calum resisted the urge to moan.

Fuck. He was too easy, too far gone for Ashton. Calum wanted to be in control this time, wanted to get Ashton all desperate. He wanted to get Ashton to want to go out and show off Calum, that was his so called “plan”. And yet here he was. Again.

Ashton was the one who managed to pull apart, breathing heavily. “Cal, we need to stop. We’re not—”

“Together?” Calum asked, his tone sharp. “Don’t worry, you made that crystal clear.” He cringed internally at himself.

So far, the plan was not going well.

Ashton nodded, though he still looked confused. “Are you mad at me?” He asked carefully.

Calum leaned his head back against the wall. “Not mad, just… worried.” He breathed out, running his hand up and down Ashton’s side mindlessly. “I know you’ve told me not to be, but I am. And Luke’s right. You need to get out of your head. And I always thought I was pretty good at helping you with that, but we’re not dating so…” Calum trailed off.

And, okay, the plan was completely off the rails now.

Ashton looked straight into Calum’s eyes and kissed him again, pushing his tongue inside. Calum smiled and reached his hands into Ashton’s red curls. Ashton pulled away again, whispering into Calum’s ear. “I still want you.” He said before reattaching his lips to Calum’s.

Ashton patted Calum’s thigh, and Calum took the hint, wrapping his legs around Ashton’s waist so he could pick him up easily. Ashton carried him to the sofa, laying Calum down on his back. He kissed Calum’s lips softly before moving down to unbutton his jeans with eager fingers. As he pulled the zipper down and started pulling them off of Calum’s legs roughly, Calum swallowed hard and opened his mouth.

“Ashy?” He whispered.

“Yes, Cali?” Ashton asked, Calum’s heart fluttering at the nickname. Ashton’s fingers were playing with the hem of Calum’s boxers mindlessly while Calum fidgeted under him.

Calum took a breath. “I have something to ask you.”

“Go ahead.” Ashton hummed, keeping his eyes on Calum’s boxers rather than his eyes.

Calum bit his lip and shut his eyes tight to block out Ashton’s reaction. “Why… why aren’t we dating?” He asked in a small voice.

Ashton’s fingers froze, and he whipped his head up. “What?”

“Me and you. We fuck around a lot, and we’re about to spend like six months together. Why aren’t we, you know, together?” Calum asked shakily.

Ashton blinked. “I don’t—”

Calum sat up, which, apparently, was the wrong thing to do because Ashton just pushed him back down again. “Ash…” Calum breathed.

“No, Cal.” Ashton said firmly, his hands pushing down on Calum’s waist. “You don’t get to… you don’t get to say that, and…”

“Well, why not?” Calum snapped, glaring up at Ashton.

Ashton just shook his head before reconnecting his and Calum’s lips fiercely. Calum blinked, confused, but soon started kissing back just as forcefully.

And, okay. If Calum wanted to really talk to Ashton, then he could push him off and talk. But this was pretty much the way things had been going the past two weeks. They kept finding themselves close together and all over each other, seeking out dark, dangerous corners to fuck around in. Ashton almost always instigated, of course. And then Ashton would have a day in the studio that went incredibly, and Calum would push Ashton into a corner so obscure he was surprised he even found it. And Ashton would just put his hands flat against Calum’s chest and disentangle himself, muttering some lame excuse or another.

And it never mattered what Calum said or did. Any gesture was too much for Ashton. Calum often wondered if Ashton’s favorite version of Calum wasn’t when he sat quietly in the corner until Ashton came to take him out to play like a doll.

The more Calum thought about it, the more pissed he got that he was just laying there, letting Ashton do whatever he wanted. Even if the way Ashton was sucking on Calum’s neck felt amazing, Calum hated himself for being so fucking easy.

“Ash, please…” Calum trailed off, panting. He put his hands on Ashton’s chest and pushed gently until Ashton slowly removed his lips.

“You better not ask me that question again.” Ashton mumbled, his hands on either side of Calum’s head.

Calum clenched his jaw. “You don’t get to say that to me.” He said firmly.

Ashton’s gaze turned cold with anger. “You aren’t my boyfriend.”

Calum shook his head furiously, pushing Ashton off of him and sitting up against the end of the sofa. “Are we even going to talk about this?” He snapped. “Why am I only good enough to fuck but not be with? Or did you hope that I’d just forget about my feelings and let you do what you want with me again?”

“Stop it, Calum!” Ashton shouted. “Stop making me feel like I’ve been taking advantage of you!”

Calum scoffed, standing up. “You have been taking advantage of me!”

“What the fuck is your problem, Calum?” Ashton demanded.

Calum crossed his arms. “My problem? Do you even hear yourself?” He looked away. “Fuck, I deserve so much better than you!”

Ashton narrowed his eyes. “Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it, then? Gonna go run off and find some pretty boy who’ll take you home and make you feel good?”

Calum felt more tears slip down his face, hot and shameful. He wiped them away angrily. “You have been taking advantage of me, Ashton. I was just too far gone to care.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ashton asked, looking up at Calum. “What do you want? Want me to tell you that I love you, or that I’ll only ever be with you? Do you want me to put a ring on it? Do you think you own me, Calum? What the fuck do you think this is?”

Calum leaned back against the couch, more tears streaming down his face. Yes, he did want that. Maybe not the ring part, but he wanted the love. He wanted Ashton to hold him and kiss him and call him his in a non-possessive way.

“No, that’s not what I meant.” Calum said, standing up. Ashton stood, too and was watching him with heavy eyes. “I just…” He trailed off, shaking his head and tossing Ashton his car keys carelessly. “I can’t do this. Not tonight at least. I’ll see you at the airport tomorrow, okay?”

Ashton blinked. “What the fuck, Calum? So now you’re kicking me out?”

Calum whipped his head around. “You’re unbelievable, Ashton! Did you not hear what I just said?” He shouted furiously. “You never listen! Ever! You fuck around with me pretty much every night, and you say things like I’m yours or I better not be sleeping with anyone else, but once you’re finished, you just… cast me off. You don’t let me in at all, and I know for a fact that something is up with you. I just don’t understand.”

Ashton was quiet for a moment, standing in the middle of the living room with his keys clutched to his chest. Then he finally spoke. “I’m sorry, Calum.” He said quietly. “I don’t know what I’m doing.” Ashton admitted softly.

And Calum had hardly ever heard Ashton sound so vulnerable before. He rarely apologized, rarely showed that he _cared _. What did that say about him? Did that mean he actually wanted Calum?__

__In more ways than one?_ _

__Calum swallowed hard. “I’m sorry I got upset.” He said quietly. The anger was gone from his voice, and he watched Ashton’s shoulders lose their tension._ _

__“I’m sorry I said all that.” Ashton said. “I want to be with you, really, I do. I’m just scared, that’s all. And being in a relationship with someone like me…” He trailed off, his eyes dark and sad. “It’s too much.”_ _

__“Do you… do you really think that?” Calum asked softly. “Do you think I can’t handle it all, or that I’m not worth it?”_ _

__Ashton didn’t miss a beat. “No, baby.” He whispered, running his hands up and down Calum’s sides. “Of course you’re worth it.”_ _

__“So… I’m your boyfriend, then? And you’re mine?” Calum asked quietly. He knew the question wasn’t fair. He knew how Ashton was. But he couldn’t help it._ _

__Ashton paused at the question, his hands stopping on Calum’s sides. Calum knew why._ _

__Calum knew that Ashton wanted to shove Calum away, he wanted to run from everything. But things didn’t always go according to plan. And eventually Ashton answered in a low voice._ _

__“Yes.”_ _

__Calum looked at him with wet brown eyes, his gaze unforgiving. “Prove it.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i know ashton is an asshole in this chapter but i swear he gets better! theres a lot going on with him rn, which is why he's acting like that :/


	17. 17

Ashton had been on tour for a week, and he was probably the happiest he’d ever been.

Performing was absolutely amazing. It was probably Ashton’s favorite part of the job. He got to be on stage with Michael and the rest of his band every night, with Calum watching with awestruck eyes below him. Ashton knew that Calum would have this kind of reaction to the shows the first few times, but in the week they had been on tour, he had been to all five shows. Ashton honestly thought Calum would have gotten used to it by now.

But Ashton also honestly thought that the sparkle in Calum’s eyes whenever he saw Ashton on stage was the cutest thing known to man, so he didn’t really mind if Calum never got used to shows.

Calum still managed to get work done at shows, though Ashton couldn’t seem to figure out how. He had been gaining followers like crazy due to posting pictures and videos from Ashton’s shows, as well as more relatable and relaxed content that Calum liked to label as ‘tour diaries’.

Ashton didn’t care. He just thought it was adorable.

Calum and Ashton’s official ‘dating’ status was also a huge contributor to Ashton’s mood lately. He was hesitant at first, worried about the press and his management and all, but telling Luke and Michael somehow erased the tension from Ashton. He was worried about telling Luke, since he knew how he felt for Calum, but, honestly, Luke didn’t hesitate to congratulate them on finally realising that they were meant to be. Ashton kind of thought that Luke had gotten over Calum.

Which was amazing, really, because Ashton was going to go insane if he had to hear Michael go on about Luke one more time.

Ashton wasn’t exactly allowed to come out yet, though. Calum was his boyfriend, and his management knew that, thanks to a recent meeting over the phone. Ashton hated it. Calum had to hold his hand the whole time, which was embarrassing honestly.

But Ashton liked it. He needed it.

Not like he would ever tell Calum that. It was bad enough that he knew anything about Ashton’s eating disorder in the first place. Which had by no means slowed down.

His BMI was inching towards the underweight category. Ashton’s stylist took his measurements the other day, and he weighed in at 163 pounds. She gave him a look, one that Ashton managed to completely ignore by staring straight forward, his heart hammering roughly in his chest. She looked a mix of concerned and confused. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding when she told him he was free to go without saying a word.

Before Ashton dug deep into this whole starving himself thing, before he felt like his fingers were scraping his insides away from his stomach, he weighed 163 pounds. According to some BMI calculator that Luke showed him, he was currently 20.3. Normal.

It terrified him that he was literally shrinking, that soon he would be firmly in the underweight category, but it also filled him up with pride at the same time. It was conflicting, really. He had no idea how to feel.

Ashton supposed that confusion was why he had lashed out on Calum the night before they left for tour. He still felt absolutely horrible about it, and he took it out on himself by skipping a meal or two as punishment.

Ashton knew he was fucked up, but he really had no idea what to do.

But he was happy. As long as Ashton kept telling himself that, it would be true. Right?

Calum saw right through Ashton’s bullshit, though. Like he always did. And it was getting harder to hide it, especially now that Calum was his _boyfriend _.__

__Nothing between them had changed, really. They went out more, but it was with Luke, Michael and the rest of Ashton’s team, too. It wasn’t like they could go out on dates together, with just the two of them. No matter how much Ashton wanted it._ _

__As if on cue, Calum opened the door to Ashton’s dressing room, Luke following him. The two had bright smiles on their faces, making Ashton feel a little less heavy._ _

__“Hey, Cali.” Ashton greeted, putting his phone down and offering a small smile._ _

__Calum grinned while Luke made a face of mock disgust. “He calls you ‘Cali’?” Luke asked, eyebrows raised._ _

__“You’re just jealous that Michael doesn’t call you ‘Lukey’.” Calum snapped, earning a laugh from Ashton. Calum smiled again and turned to face Ashton, looking around the room curiously. “If only there were somewhere I could sit.” He sighed._ _

__Luke blinked. “There’s a free chair over there.” He pointed out._ _

__Calum quickly made his way over to the chair Luke had motioned towards and kicked it harshly, causing it to fall over onto its side. “I wonder where I could sit.” He repeated, glancing at Ashton playfully._ _

__Ashton sighed and rolled his eyes fondly, motioning toward his lap. Calum laughed excitedly and practically skipped across the room to sit on Ashton’s lap, his back resting against Ashton’s chest._ _

__“I knew you would catch on.” Calum whispered, tilting his head up to kiss Ashton on the cheek._ _

__Ashton smiled despite himself. He didn’t deserve this. He was lying to his boyfriend every day about where he had been running off to after meals or if he had eaten at all in general. Ashton had Calum in a relationship that was forced to be hidden from the public, meaning that any kind of time they spent together had to be in private. The article that came out the night after The Ivy didn’t exactly help, either._ _

__Most people realized that Ashton Irwin’s new photographer just so happened to look exactly like the mystery brunet who he had been photographed making out with a few weeks before tour. Ashton thought that through, and his stupid plan with Calum actually turned out to be not so stupid after all. He played it off in interviews by saying that he and Calum had known each other for a while, and they had just had a bit too much to drink that night. Ashton was careful not to confirm anything, but he liked to leave it as a mystery._ _

__And if Calum thought that he could just bat his pretty little eyelashes at Ashton and do whatever he wanted, well, he was absolutely right._ _

__“You guys are gross.” Luke commented, turning to leave the room. “I’m going out tonight after your show. Just so you don’t wonder where I went.”_ _

__Ashton nodded. He and the band were in Birmingham for an extra few days before they went to the next show in Cardiff. He liked days like those, where he had a few days off to enjoy the city._ _

__“Going out with Michael, Lu?” Calum asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively._ _

__Luke scoffed. “Would you stop with that?” He snapped, earning a flinch from Calum at his harsh tone. “It’s with this girl I’ve been talking to.”_ _

__“She lives in Birmingham?” Ashton asked, confused._ _

__Luke shook his head. “LA. She’s got family here, and it worked out that she’s been visiting this week.”_ _

__Ashton nodded, while Calum pouted. “Do you like her?” He asked._ _

__Luke blinked. “I…” He shook his head. “I’m going out with her tonight, so I have to go.” He said quickly before rushing out of the room._ _

__Ashton shook his head, while Calum leaned his head back on Ashton’s chest and tilted his head up to look at him. “He’s full of shit.” Calum commented bluntly._ _

__Ashton snorted. “What?” He asked, laughing._ _

__“I’ve known Luke my whole life.” Calum explained, mirroring Ashton’s smile. “I’m telling you, he’s got a thing for Michael. I don’t know who this other girl is, but I know what she is.”_ _

__“What?” Ashton repeated._ _

__“Irrelevant.” Calum said firmly, a smile lighting up his face._ _

__Ashton laughed loudly before shifting their positions so that Calum was facing him, his legs tucked around Ashton’s waist. “What about us?” Calum asked. “Do we have any plans for the next few days?”_ _

__Ashton grinned. They did. And it was perfect. But Calum couldn’t know just how perfect the plans were. “We might.” Ashton teased._ _

__Calum’s face lit up. “Really? What is it? Is it in Birmingham? Is Michael coming?”_ _

__“Slow down, Cali.” Ashton said softly, running his hands along Calum’s sides. “I’m only telling you that it’s just us two going, and it’ll probably be the best night of your entire life.”_ _

__Calum shook his head. “I don’t believe that. I have a lot of best nights of my life.”_ _

__“Really? Which one tops them all?” Ashton asked curiously._ _

__Calum kissed Ashton’s lips sweetly, pulling back with a smile. “The night I met you.”_ _

__“Sap.”_ _

____


	18. 18

Ashton didn’t even say anything before Calum was bombarding him with questions after his show that night.

“Please, Ashton, tell me what we’re doing. At least give me a hint.” Calum begged, breathless from running backstage so quickly.

Ashton smiled brightly at Calum, still buzzing from being onstage, and shook his head. “You know I can’t do that, baby.” He said, kissing Calum’s nose teasingly. “I’ve got to go back out there in a minute anyways.”

That caught Michael’s attention, who was putting his guitar back in his case. “What? We’ve already done the encore.”

“I think they deserve a little extra tonight.” Ashton announced, reveling in his own good mood. “Don’t worry, Michael. It’ll just be me out there.”

Michael nodded. “I’ll wait here with Calum, then?”

Ashton bit his lip. “Actually…” He trailed off as Michael gave him a knowing look.

“Ashton, what are you—” Calum started to say.

He was cut off with a yelp when Ashton grabbed his hand and pulled him out on stage with him, the crowd erupting with screams when they realized that Ashton was back on stage. Calum looked at Ashton with wide eyes and squeezed his hand tighter.

Ashton laughed and moved to speak into Calum’s ear, as the crowd was still cheering loudly. “Just thought you would want to see what it’s like, yeah?” He asked.

A smile made its way to Calum’s face, and he slowly let go of Ashton’s hand. “This is not normal, Ash.” Calum said, earning a laugh from Ashton.

Ashton began to quiet down the crowd, taking his microphone and grabbing an extra one for Calum. He cleared his throat dramatically before speaking. “Hi!” Ashton greeted in a cheery voice, earning more screams from the crowd.

Calum laughed into the mic, and Ashton glanced fondly at him before speaking again. “Before you all leave, I wanted to formally introduce someone very important to me.” Ashton began. Calum whipped around and looked at Ashton with panicked eyes, and Ashton just shook his head calmly. “You guys may have seen him on tour with me or just… around.” Ashton continued, giving Calum a knowing look. “But I haven’t told you anything. And I’m sorry about that. You know I don’t want to keep secrets or anything.”

Ashton looked at Calum happily. “This is Calum Thomas Hood, a photographer from Sydney. He’s the one who has been giving you guys all of the amazing content and tour diaries, so can everyone give a ‘thank you, Calum’?” Ashton asked, grinning.

The crowd repeated Ashton’s words immediately, and Calum stared out at the crowd, laughing to himself. He raised his mic to speak into it. “Well, Ashton got me this job, so maybe we could all say ‘thank you, Ashton’?” Calum suggested, laughing again when the crowd repeated his words.

Ashton shook his head. He knew what Calum was doing, and he wouldn’t let it happen. “No, everyone say ‘we love you, Calum’!” Ashton shouted, mouthing the words to Calum as the crowd screamed it.

Calum’s cheeks flushed red, and he looked at Ashton with an embarrassed smile. Ashton winked before turning back to the crowd, saying his final goodbyes and thank yous and rushing off, hand in hand with Calum.

Once they were backstage, Calum threw his arms around Ashton, laughing into his skin. “You’re crazy, Ash.”

Ashton kissed Calum’s cheek softly. “Crazy about you.”

“Gross!” Calum shouted, shoving Ashton away teasingly.

As Ashton and Calum walked towards the exit, hand in hand, Ashton’s tour manager came up to them. “There’s some fans outside the venue. Are you okay with pushing past?” She asked.

Ashton glanced at Calum, who shrugged in response. “Up to you.” Calum said, offering a small smile.

Ashton sighed. “Yeah, it’s fine.” He said, watching his manager walk off. “Where are Michael and Luke?”

“Michael is over there by the door, and Luke’s going out with that girl, remember?” Calum responded.

“Oh.” Ashton said shortly. “I didn’t think he would leave so soon.”

Michael’s annoyed voice made its way into the conversation as Calum and Ashton walked closer to him. “Can we _not _talk about Luke right now?” He asked. “How about you bringing Calum out on stage tonight? You know the fans are going to eat that shit up, right?”__

__Ashton laughed. “What can I say? I want to show him off as much as I can.” He replied, kissing Calum on the cheek sweetly._ _

__Calum rolled his eyes and let go of Ashton’s hand as they walked outside. Ashton turned to face Calum, ignoring the screaming fans who somehow already made it outside the venue. “Why’d you let go?” Ashton asked, looking up at Calum in confusion._ _

__Calum gestured to the fans, looking overwhelmed at the noise. “Do you not see the hundreds of people with their phones out?” He responded._ _

__Ashton scoffed and laced his and Calum’s hands together again. “Fuck that.” He snapped, giving Calum’s hand a squeeze before turning back to the fans with a smile._ _

__Throughout his years of being a musician, Ashton was used to situations like these. He knew how much it meant to his fans when he wouldn’t just push past them to get to his tour bus, and Ashton loved talking to them. Seeing the stories on social media of how just a conversation with Ashton would change somebody’s life, to say the least, pushed Ashton to talk to his fans as much as he could._ _

__Tonight was no different, even if he and Calum were holding hands._ _

__Ashton was well aware of the screams, especially when Calum clung onto his arm a little tighter so he wouldn’t get separated from Ashton. Ashton walked over to the edge of the gate, where a few security guards held back fans, and he started to sign papers and albums that were being pushed into his face._ _

__“How do you…” Calum shouted into Ashton’s ear, trailing off with a yelp when a fan grabbed at his arm. “How the fuck do you handle all of this?” He asked, pulling his arm close to his chest._ _

__Ashton shrugged, taking a few steps away from the gates. “Used to it, I guess.”_ _

__Calum exhaled harshly. “I don’t know how that’s possible.” He mumbled, flinching at a loud scream of Ashton’s name._ _

__Ashton turned to face Calum, locking eyes with him and taking both hands in his own. “Hey, do you want to go to the bus?” He asked softly, still making sure Calum could hear. Ashton understood, of course. Having hundreds of screaming fans grabbing at you wasn’t exactly everybody’s favorite scene. “I can meet you there in just a few.”_ _

__Calum nodded. “Please.” He whispered._ _

__“Alright.” Ashton put his hand on the small of Calum’s back, who clung to his side, and led him through the people and towards the bus. Ashton heard a few fans cooing at how cute the two were, and he couldn’t help but smile at them. Sure, he wasn’t allowed to have a public relationship, but he could have a public friendship that involved some overprotection. Nobody would really suspect anything. Right?_ _

__Calum climbed up the stairs and into the bus, giving Ashton a relieved smile. “Thank you.” He mouthed, while Michael got on the bus to join him._ _

__Ashton just smiled fondly at Calum, who could be seen melting into Michael’s side through the windows, before turning back around to face the fans. He took a breath and pushed the pain he was starting to feel in his stomach to the back of his mind. “You all want pictures, then?”_ _

__Ashton swore that Calum’s laugh was ringing in his ears as he went to talk to the people stood by the gates._ _


	19. 19

It had been twenty minutes, and Ashton was still taking pictures.

And Calum, well, Calum was starting to get frustrated. He understood that Ashton’s fans meant the world to him, but Calum was his boyfriend for fuck’s sake. And, sure, they took their time to get to the “boyfriend” stage, but they were there. And Ashton was still talking to a bunch of strangers.

Calum was well aware that, in another universe, he could very well be one of those strangers that had been waiting hours for a thirty second conversation with Ashton. But, if he was being honest, Calum didn’t give a fuck. Because they were in _this _universe. And, in this universe, Ashton was Calum’s.__

__Not to mention that Ashton was starting to look absolutely exhausted. Calum was watching from the window as his boyfriend went from person to person, talking to them and taking photos and writing things for them. Though he started out with that bright, sunshine smile that Calum loved, his eyes were looking dull, and he was swaying slightly._ _

__Calum turned to face Michael. “Hey, does Ashton look alright to you?”_ _

__Michael shrugged, not even looking out the window. “Looks tired, but he just put on a show, so…” He sighed in frustration. “Honestly, I just want him to get on the fucking bus so we can leave.”_ _

__Calum bit his lip, turning away from an obviously pissed off Michael. Ever since Luke had gone off with that girl, Michael just didn’t want to talk to anybody, pushing Calum off of him when he had cuddled close with him on the bus. Calum tried not to take it personally. He knew that Michael had feelings for Luke. It wasn’t like the guitarist was that great at hiding it, anyways. Luke wasn’t the smartest, though, so Calum was pretty sure that Michael’s feelings could stay a secret from Luke for a while._ _

__Calum stood up suddenly when he saw Ashton trip over himself on the way to the other side of the gates. He played it off with a smile, one that Calum knew was forced. Michael looked up at the movement, his eyes questioning. “Cal, what are you doing?”_ _

__“He doesn’t… Can you go get him?” Calum asked in a quiet voice, feeling guilty for asking Michael to do something for him when he was in such a sour mood._ _

__Clearly, Michael agreed. “No. I’ve had a shit day or so, and I just want to go home.” He grumbled. “If you’re so worried, why don’t you go get him?”_ _

__Calum bit the inside of his cheek. “Okay.” He said softly, but he refused to move._ _

__Truthfully, Calum had a thing about tight spaces. Concerts were always fine for him, but that was because he had things to distract him. Like watching the performer or, more recently, being sure to photograph the event well. But, even with Ashton being there with him, Calum felt like he was suffocating when he was outside. The screams didn’t exactly help either, especially when he heard multiple girls screaming some very inappropriate things at Ashton, his Ashton._ _

__If the crowds didn’t scare Calum to death, he would’ve left Ashton’s side for the sole purpose of punching those girls in the face._ _

__Well, that, and he would probably get fired._ _

__Regardless, Calum really, really didn’t want to go back outside._ _

__That all changed when he looked back outside at Ashton._ _

__Ashton’s face was pale, like it had been completely drained of color. His eyes were half shut, and he was swaying back and forth on his feet. He gave a few worried fans a weak smile and took a few steps back before crumpling to the ground._ _

__Calum didn’t even see Ashton hit the ground before he was out of the bus and halfway into the mass of people surrounding Ashton. He felt his eyes stinging with tears and his heart pounding in his chest. Calum couldn’t see Ashton through the security guards and fans who had crowded around the musician’s body._ _

__Calum wiped the tears from his eyes furiously. “Get away from him!” He screamed, getting the attention of everyone near Ashton. “Please! I need to get to him!”_ _

__Calum felt his hands start to shake while a path was cleared for him to get to Ashton. He whispered a soft, “thank you” and pushed his way past to crouch down next to his boyfriend._ _

__Once he saw Ashton, Calum’s stomach twisted into knots. And if he wasn’t anxious before, he certainly was now. There was so much fucking blood and it was everywhere and it was coming from Ashton’s head and he could hear fans crying and security trying to get them away but they wouldn’t leave and Calum just didn’t know what the fuck to do._ _

__“That’s all for tonight. Everyone get the fuck out.” Michael’s voice echoed throughout the crowd, his tone firm and demanding._ _

__Calum practically melted in relief when the crowd thinned and security started controlling the fans. He tried to drown out the sounds of camera flashes as well as the fact that this would be all over social media by tomorrow._ _

__Calum was shaking as he looked down at Ashton and the pool of blood under his head that just kept getting bigger and bigger. He tried to remind himself that his sister always said that heads bleed the worst and usually look more serious than they were. But it wasn’t like Mali was actually there to tell him that or to calm him down at all._ _

__Calum doesn’t even know what the fuck happened. Ashton seemed a little off the entire night, but it wasn’t anything that Calum thought he should worry about. He just seemed tired. Which, after doing a show nearly every night for a week after being off stage for months, made sense._ _

__Fuck, maybe Calum should’ve worried. Clearly, something was up with Ashton or else he wouldn’t have just fainted in the middle of talking to fans. And Calum fucking knew something had been up with Ashton because of his ribs and the fight they had just before tour started. He should’ve done something, should’ve done more. Ashton was his boyfriend for fuck’s sake, and Calum just let this happen like it was nothing._ _

__He distantly heard Michael crouch down next to him. “Cal?” He asked softly._ _

__Calum didn’t look up._ _

__“Hey, Cal. We gotta get him out of here.” Michael tried, taking Calum’s hand in his own. “I’m gonna lift him up now, yeah?” He squeezed Calum’s hand and used his free hand to wipe the tears from Calum’s wet cheeks._ _

__Calum sniffled again, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “Yeah.” He said quietly, letting go of Michael’s hand and watching as he lifted Ashton up bridal style and carried him to the bus._ _

__Calum followed Michael, trying to ignore how small and weak Ashton looked in his arms, and climbed onto the bus, shutting the doors behind him. Michael laid Ashton down on the couch and reached over to grab his phone._ _

__“What are you doing?” Calum asked._ _

__“‘M texting Luke.” Michael replied, continuing before Calum had a chance to say anything. “Still don’t like him, but he deserves to know what’s going on from me instead of Twitter.”_ _

__Calum nodded in understanding, sitting down next to Ashton’s limp body. “Do we take him to a hospital?” He asked when Michael put his phone down._ _

__Michael shook his head. “There will already be paps there. Honestly, the best thing to do is keep him here and treat it ourselves.” He cleared his throat. “Um, do you know anything about treating a head injury?” Michael asked hopefully._ _

__Despite everything, Calum laughed quietly at his friend. “My sister’s a nurse, and I have countless medical procedures drilled into my brain from helping her study for school.” He responded, watching the tension leave Michael’s shoulders. “You can take it easy for the rest of the night. If I need anything, I’ll call her.”_ _

__Michael nodded, standing up and going towards the beds. “Hey, I’m sorry I was such an asshole today. Thanks for going out there.”_ _

__Calum smiled. “Thanks for getting everyone to leave. Oh, and Michael?” He added when his friend started to leave. “Things will be fine with you and Luke. I can feel it.”_ _

__Michael stared at Calum hopefully for a moment before laughing. “What, are you psychic now?”_ _

__“Fuck off, I’m being nice.” Calum teased, earning another laugh from Michael before he walked back toward the beds._ _

__And then Calum was alone with unconscious Ashton, a situation that had never really made its way into Calum’s mess of a brain. He pushed those thoughts out of his head and raked his brain to try to remember what Mali said about fainting._ _

__He knew that Ashton needed to be on his back, which he already was. Calum had also put a wet cloth on the injury on the back of Ashton’s head in order to slow the bleeding, and it seemed to be working. Calum was sure that there was something else, and, looking down at Ashton’s body, it clicked._ _

__Calum slowly and carefully straddled Ashton’s thighs, being careful to keep his weight on his legs, and started to loosen Ashton’s belt. He prayed that Michael wouldn’t walk in because he really wasn’t trying anything. To be fair, Calum knew how it looked, but he remembered Mali saying something about removing constricting or tight clothing._ _

__While Calum was slowly sliding Ashton’s belt from the loops, he felt a shift underneath him. “Really, now?” Calum grumbled to himself as Ashton slowly opened his eyes._ _

__Ashton squinted a bit, his eyes adjusting to the light, before looking down at Calum. He blinked, smiling softly down at him._ _

__“Come on, Cali, let me at least regain consciousness before we do anything.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd like to make a formal apology for the next few chapters bc they're extra sad lol


	20. 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah this one is sad imsorry

Ashton was killing himself, plain and simple.

He knew that the eating thing was stupid, and he knew he was bound to do severe damage to himself if he kept it up. But he couldn’t stop. It was completely out of his control. And there was no going back.

Ashton didn’t know how long he was passed out for. It could’ve been a few seconds or a couple of minutes, maybe even longer. All he knew was that when he came to again, he was laying on the tour bus with Calum straddling his thighs and taking off his belt.

Which, honestly, confused the hell out of Ashton.

Ashton sat up, which immediately resulted in Calum carefully sliding off of his legs and rushing to his side to push him back down gently. “Ash, babe, you fainted.”

Ashton looked at Calum. “I was pretty sure, yeah.”

“And you’re bleeding.”

And, oh. That was news to Ashton. He sat up again and raised a shaky hand to search the back of his head. He felt something wet, and his heart sank. Ashton whimpered pathetically as he prodded at it a bit, ignoring the winces from Calum, but the wound didn’t seem to be too big or too bloody. Ashton sighed and tried to get his heart to stop racing.

He needed to talk to Calum, who was still sitting beside him expectantly. But if he talked to Calum, he was going to have so many questions that Ashton would have to answer.

“What do you need, Ash?” Calum asked softly.

What Ashton needed was his head to stop fucking bleeding so he could go on with his tour. What he needed was for people not to freak out about this on social media like he already knew they were. What he needed was to talk to someone who wouldn’t worry, who would help.

What he needed was Luke.

“Can I, um, can I call Luke?” Ashton asked quietly.

Calum looked taken aback, which, okay, that was fair. “Y-yeah, of course.” He replied, handing Ashton his phone. “Do you want me to, like, leave or…?”

Ashton bit his lip and twirled his phone around in his hands. “Could you? Just while I’m on the phone?”

Ashton swore he saw Calum’s eyes sparkle with confusion before his boyfriend nodded. “I’ll be in the back, okay? Just let me know when you’re done.” He said, giving Ashton one last look before walking away.

Ashton exhaled in relief, trying to push back the guilt he felt at sending Calum away. Shakily, he found Luke’s number in his phone and called. As he waited for Luke to pick up, tears collected in his eyes, and it didn’t take long for them to start running down his cheeks.

Luke didn’t answer, so Ashton called again.

This time, Luke picked up. “Ashton?”

Ashton closed his eyes at the sound of Luke’s voice, opening them when it made the dizziness worse. He opened his mouth to say something, but no sound came out.

“Ash, you’re freaking me out.” Luke added. Ashton heard another voice, a girl’s voice, in the distance, yelling angrily at Luke to, “get off the fucking phone, Luke,” and Ashton could cry because Luke was out tonight with that girl and he forgot and he was a horrible friend and—

“Ashton.” Luke said firmly. Ashton heard him moving around on the other line. “Please, say something.”

When Ashton tried to respond, it came out as more of a whimper. He tried to collect himself before he realized his attempts were futile, that he was a mess and there was no stopping it now. “I fainted.” Ashton forced out, his voice trembling and breaking.

“Fuck, Ashton.” Luke sounded worried.

“I’m so fucking scared, Lu.” Ashton cried. “It’s just gotten worse since tour, and… I’ve gotten worse. I, God, I fucking fainted and I’m bleeding and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.”

“Wait, you’re bleeding? How bad? Where?” Luke asked.

Ashton let out a pitiful sound. He just wanted to be held right now, to be protected from himself. “My head. I don’t think it’s that bad.”

“Is Cal with you?”

Ashton was so fucking tired. “He’s in the other room. I told him to leave me alone while I called you.” Ashton put his head in between his knees, putting Luke on speaker, and tried to take deep breaths. It didn’t really work.

“Ashton, I love you, but you’re fucking stupid sometimes.” Luke mumbled. “You need to get Calum, and tell him what’s going on because you just fainted. It’ll get worse from here on out. Your body doesn’t just give in on itself for no reason. I know you’re not that stupid.”

Ashton debated not responding because crying was so much easier. “I can’t tell him, Lu. I can’t—”

“Ash.” Luke begged. “Please. Please, tell him to come back. You shouldn’t be by yourself right now. You could hurt yourself.”

Ashton was quiet for a moment. “Okay.” He agreed, voice small. “I know. You’re right. Okay.” He sat there for a few seconds, his lip in between his teeth. “I should go. I’m sorry for calling you.”

“Don’t be, you idiot. But, please, get Calum.”

“Okay. I will.”

“Call me if you need anything, yeah?”

“I will.”

And then Ashton hung up. He took a breath before calling for Calum, cringing when his voice broke. He wiped the tears from his eyes, but his efforts were useless, as they quickly got replaced by more.

Calum came back to the front of the bus, his eyes red and puffy. And that just made Ashton feel a thousand times worse because Calum had been crying because Ashton had sent him away.

Calum sat down next to Ashton gently. “What happened?”

Ashton closed his eyes. He was so fucking screwed.

“You need to be honest with me. I’m not taking no for an answer anymore.” Calum cupped Ashton’s jaw, his thumb brushing over his cheek.

Ashton’s eyes fluttered open, and Calum was looking at him with so much concern it almost made his heart give. “Ash, do you know why you fainted?”

Right. Here they go. “Yeah.” Ashton whispered. He was fucking terrified. The only person who knew was Luke, and Ashton didn’t even want to tell Luke in the first place. Luke didn’t freak out, though, but Calum was going to. And he was going to feel betrayed and lied to, and Ashton honestly deserved everything that was coming to him.

“Please talk to me.”

Tears burned behind his closed eyes. Ashton fumbled around to find Calum’s hand, and he squeezed hard, Calum squeezing back. Ashton wasn’t alone. He had Calum. And Calum made everything okay. Calum could help him. He just needed to tell him.

“Cal…” Ashton’s voice trembled on the single syllable. “I’m just… I’m really fucked up.”

“No.” Calum said immediately. “You aren’t. Don’t say that. You aren’t, you’re just… you’re hurting. But that’s okay. Whatever it is, I can help you. You just need to tell me what it is, so that I know how to help.”

_Just say it. Just say it. Just say it. Just say it. ___

__“I—” He stopped, voice catching in his throat. “I can’t eat.”_ _

__Sure, Ashton repeated what he said to Luke when he told him, but it got the job done. And now that he had said it, he couldn’t take it back, and the hard part was over with. Right?_ _

__Ashton felt Calum tense, and he heard the sharp intake of breath. His hand was nearly crushing Ashton’s, but Ashton didn’t care because he was holding back just as tightly. “What do you mean, baby?”_ _

__Ashton started crying then, and he felt so fucking stupid and small and tired. God, he was so tired. He just wanted to sleep. Calum wrapped his other arm around him and held him close, whispering things that Ashton couldn’t quite make out because he was crying and having trouble breathing and he just wanted Calum to fix this, to fix him._ _

__“I don’t— I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Ashton managed, although the words were choppy and unclear and breathless. Calum didn’t say anything, and Ashton felt desperate to explain himself. “I know it’s my— my fault, I know that I’m doing this to myself, but I can’t stop, I can’t stop, Cal, I can’t. I got better, I did, I was, I was doing okay, and then— I don’t know, I don’t know, Cal, but I can’t stop, I can’t, I just— I don’t—”_ _

__“Breathe, Ashton.” Calum told him, interrupting him gently._ _

__And, no because Ashton needed to tell him everything so Calum could fix it._ _

__“No, Calum. I— I’m so sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t—” Okay, maybe Calun was right, maybe he did need to breathe because when he opened his eyes for a split second, the room spun, but he was just so fucking tired. “I didn’t mean to lie to you, I just couldn’t— I couldn’t tell you, Cal, I couldn’t. You’re probably so— so disappointed, and I’m sorry but I’m just so scared, I’m so scared, and I—”_ _

__“Stop talking.” Calum demanded, and when Ashton ignored him and started again, to ramble on about something else, Calum placed a gentle hand over his mouth. “Please, please stop talking. You need to calm down, baby.”_ _

__But now that Ashton wasn’t talking, he was sobbing again and it made Calum sigh and that was just—_ _

__“I’m sorry.” Ashton cried, his words muffled behind Calum’s hand. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”_ _

__“God, Ashton.” Calum breathed. He moved so that he was facing Ashton, who tucked his head against Calum’s neck, still squeezing his hand. Ashton cried and cried and cried until he seriously couldn’t breathe anymore and he was gasping for breath._ _

__“Ashton. Ashton, deep breaths, baby.” Calum tried again. “Calm down.”_ _

__But Ashton couldn’t calm down. He was petrified that he was going to pass out again. He dug his nails into Calum’s shoulder in an attempt to ground himself, but his chest still heaved and his lungs struggled anyways._ _

__“I’m sorry.” Ashton stuttered out, and Calum hushed him and told him to breathe again, started saying in and out until Ashton listened and could keep up. It took a few minutes for Ashton to breathe normally again, but his head was killing him and he wasn’t entirely sure that he wasn’t going to pass out again._ _

__“I’m so scared, Calum.” Ashton whimpered, and Calum shushed him, kissing him sweetly on the lips._ _

__Ashton watched as Calum leaned his head up to look out the window. “We’re at the hotel. Let’s go lay down in our room, okay? How does that sound?” Calum asked softly. Ashton nodded against his neck, knowing that there wouldn’t be any fans outside thanks to security._ _

__It didn’t take long for them to get inside and in their room. Ashton was leaning on Calum’s side the entire time, and he almost fell asleep in the elevator. When they got into their room, Calum helped him into the bed and sat next to him, running his hands through Ashton’s hair gently. “Will you look at me please?”_ _

__Ashton, who still had his eyes shut, shook his head. He pressed his head against Calum’s thigh and found his hand again. That was all he wanted. Calum petting his hair, Calum keeping him close, Calum fixing whatever was wrong with him._ _

__“I’m sorry.” Ashton whispered, just because he felt like he needed to._ _

__“Don’t apologize.” Calum whispered back, and Ashton tried to ignore the fear that was evident in Calum’s voice._ _


	21. 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi!  
> sorry it's been SO long since i updated last, i've been really loving those lil christmas stories! also i posted a new one on my tumblr today if you wanted to take a look (@cashtonglows).  
> anyways, here's more of this story bc ilu hehe  
> lou (@cashtonglows on tumblr)

Ashton was the most stubborn person on the planet, Calum was sure of it.

“Cal, I’m not going to cancel _anything _because of this.” Ashton snapped, glaring at his boyfriend from the cheap hotel room bed.__

____

“It’s for your health. This will help you get better.” Calum argued.

____

Ashton shook his head. “No, it won’t.” He folded his arms over his chest and huffed. “You can’t make me cancel tour. You don’t have that power.”

____

Calum rolled his eyes. “Do I need to remind you that you fainted in front of everyone?”

____

Ashton looked away, and, okay, Calum felt a little bit guilty for that one. The day after Ashton had fainted, there were already pictures and videos everywhere. Ashton had sent out a Tweet, explaining that he was just dehydrated after the show and was a bit overwhelmed by all of the people around him. The fans immediately started a #WeLoveYouAshton tag on Twitter, which ended up trending that night.

____

Luckily, Ashton’s management settled for Ashton’s explanation of what happened. They weren’t exactly happy about it, but they had other things to worry about.

____

Like Ashton bringing Calum on stage. And holding Calum’s hand. And Calum running out of the bus to get to Ashton when he had hit the ground. The fans hadn’t missed that, either. Amongst all of the #WeLoveYouAshton Tweets, Calum saw a few pictures of he and Ashton on stage, along with the tag #Cashton.

____

“You want to know what they said to me, Cal?” Ashton had said when he had gotten off of the phone with his management the day after the entire thing went down.

____

Calum looked up from his laptop, which was open with countless tabs on information about eating disorders. Ashton didn’t know, he didn’t need to know. “What?”

____

“They said…” Ashton trailed off with an angry huff. “They said, ‘It’s actually a good thing that you fainted. Took the attention off of the shit you pulled with Calum.’ Can you believe that?”

____

Ashton hadn’t left the hotel after that, either.

____

And now he and Calum were arguing over tour, which, in reality, was probably the least helpful thing either of them could be doing.

____

“Please, Calum.” Ashton said in a small voice. “I need to tour. I need to see the fans and be on stage and make people smile, make them happy. That’s what will help me get better. And being with you, Michael and Luke all the time? Fuck, you have no idea how much that’s helping me.”

____

Calum sighed and moved to sit next to Ashton on the bed. He understood where his boyfriend was coming from and what he meant, but he just wanted Ashton to himself. Sue him.

____

Calum just wanted to hold Ashton back in his little apartment in LA and protect him from everything and anything that could ever harm him. He wanted him to be safe and away from the cameras and the media and the headlines. Calum wanted to wrap his arms around Ashton’s too tiny waist and never let him go.

____

Ashton sighed and looked away. “I know why you’re doing this. I know you want me to be safe. And, after that night, I get it.” He mumbled, clearly referring to the night he had fainted. “But I’ll be better. And for the first time in a long time, Cal, I want to get better.”

____

Calum bit his lip, his mind racing. It had only been a few days since Ashton had told Calum about his eating disorder, and Calum would be lying if he said he hadn’t been watching Ashton’s food intake closely. It helped that they hadn’t left each other’s side in these past few days. But Ashton had a show in a day, and Calum was scared to death that he would pass out again and hit his head on something or fall off stage or—

____

“Please, Calum.” Ashton begged, staring up at him with shining eyes. “Please let me do this.”

____

Calum sighed and nodded his head weakly. “Okay.” He said softly.

____

The tension in Ashton’s shoulders visibly diminished, and he wrapped his arms around Calum’s waist, squeezing tightly. “Thank you. Thank you so much, baby, I can’t—” He took a breath. “I wouldn’t be able to do this without you, and—”

____

Calum cut him off. “Can you do something for me, Ash?”

____

Ashton swallowed hard and looked back up at Calum. “Yeah?” He asked, his tone wary.

____

“I’m not going to force you to eat. I know I can’t control that. I’m here to help you, to hold your hand while you fight this. But I need you to do something, okay?” Calum tried again in a more comforting tone.

____

Ashton shifted his position so that he was sitting across from Calum. “M’kay.” He mumbled.

____

“Will you tell Michael?” Calum asked.

____

Ashton inhaled sharply and looked away. “I don’t—”

____

“I’m not going to make you tell him, Ash.” Calum immediately said. “But I think he would help, I really do. He’s your best friend for a reason, and he would be able to help in ways that I can’t.”

____

Ashton sighed. “He already knows.” He said in a small voice.

____

Calum blinked. “What?” He asked, dumbfounded.

____

“I didn’t even have to tell him.” Ashton mumbled. “I’ve— this has happened before, and… Michael was the one who… He knew what to look for. And I guess I’m not all that great at hiding stuff from him.”

____

Calum bit his lip. “When did he find out?”

____

Ashton shook his head. “He just knows, Cal. I haven’t told him anything, and he hasn’t asked. I can’t…” He trailed off. “I can’t explain it.”

____

Calum sighed, thinking back to when he first met Michael in Ashton’s house. He had said that he knew Ashton was going through something, and Michael had just nodded knowingly. Looking back, it made sense that Michael was able to put the pieces together, especially if he had helped Ashton with this before.

____

“Okay, Ash. It’s okay.” Calum finally said, moving his hand up the back of Ashton’s neck to play with his hair gently. “Will you talk to him? When you need to, I mean.”

____

Ashton swallowed hard. “I can’t.”

____

“Why not?”

____

“He’s gonna…” Ashton trailed off, leaning against Calum’s side and staring at the ground. “He’s gonna think I’m weak.”

____

Ashton’s voice was so quiet that Calum had to strain to understand what he was saying. Once he did, he pulled away from Ashton, looking him in the eyes intently. “Ashton, you are not weak. You are one of the strongest people I know. Michael is your best friend, he wants you to get better, just like I do. Asking for help isn’t weak. Please know that.”

____

Ashton nodded, the tension in his shoulders ebbing away. “Okay. I’ll talk to him.”

____

Calum let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Thank you.”

____

Ashton nodded again, cuddling back into Calum’s side again. “About the show tomorrow night…”

____

“What about it?” Calum asked, smiling fondly down at his boyfriend. “You’re singing. I need to make money off of you somehow, right?”

____

Ashton snorted, though Calum saw the gratefulness shining in his eyes. The two sat on the hotel bed for a while, holding each other tight, before Ashton suddenly shot up, reaching blindly for his phone.

____

Calum jumped in surprise, staring at Ashton, who was checking his phone anxiously. “What the fuck, Ashton? We were cuddling.”

____

“Shut up.” Ashton snapped, opening his texts and shielding his phone away from Calum’s prying eyes. “I can’t believe I forgot.”

____

Calum sat up and moved to Ashton’s side, trying to catch a glance at his phone screen. “What? Forgot what?”

____

Ashton turned off his phone, glaring playfully at Calum. “Remember that surprise I had planned for us?” He asked, earning a furious nod from Calum. “Well, it’s tonight.”

____

Calum’s jaw dropped. In all the chaos, he had forgotten about the surprise that Ashton had teased him with a few nights ago. He was desperate to know what it was, but he didn’t want Ashton to overextend himself.

____

Calum cleared his throat. “Are you— We shouldn’t do anything unless you…” He trailed off, making stupid hand gestures in an attempt to get his point across.

____

“Calum Hood, why would I mention the surprise if we weren’t going to go?” Ashton asked, rolling his eyes playfully.

____

Calum smacked Ashton’s arm lightly. “Let me take care of you.” He teased, placing a quick peck against Ashton’s lips. Calum pulled apart with a more serious look in his eyes. “Seriously, Ashton, we don’t have to do anything if you aren’t feeling up for it. I don’t want you hurting yourself.”

____

Ashton smiled, kissing Calum again softly. “I’ll be alright, Cali. I need to get out of this hotel anyway. And it’ll be good for people to see me out after everything that happened.”

____

“Okay. But promise me you won’t overdo it?” Calum asked.

____

Ashton nodded. “I promise.” And with that, he hopped off of the bed and went to his suitcase, looking back at Calum expectantly. “Come on, we’ve got the best night of your life to get ready for!”

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to fluff yay  
> kudos n comments are appreciated!


	22. 22

“Does the best night of my life involve sitting in traffic for hours?”

If Ashton wasn’t so fucking gone for Calum, he would’ve thrown him out of the car window by now. He rolled his eyes fondly. “It’s only been one hour, you pussy.” He teased, stopping the car at a red light and glancing at Calum in the passenger seat.

Calum huffed, grumbling under his breath and earning a laugh from Ashton. He slumped back for a minute before suddenly jolting back up, making Ashton jump in his seat and accidentally honk the horn.

“Calum!” Ashton snapped, waving an apology to the cars beside him.

“I’ve had an _epiphany _, Ashton Fletcher.” Calum announced, taking his phone out from his pocket and plugging it into Ashton’s radio, stopping the calm R &B Ashton had been playing for them.__

____

Ashton snorted and began driving, forgetting about Calum’s so-called epiphany until he heard a familiar song play through his speakers.

____

_You’re like perfection, some kind of holiday. ___

______ _ _

_You got me thinking, that we could run away. ___

________ _ _ _ _

_You want, I’ll take you there. You tell me when and we’ll go. ___

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton let out pained laughter, his cheeks flushing when he heard his own song playing from Calum’s phone. “No! Not 'Don’t Stop'!” He wailed, earning a laugh from Calum.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Come on, Ash. It’s a classic!” Calum argued, moving to turn up the volume.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton shook his head, unable to fight the smile that rose to his face. “I hate you.”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You love me.” Calum retorted, his eyes focused on his phone in search of new music.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton smiled softly and looked over at Calum, stopped at another red light. “I just might.” He said quietly.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Calum looked up from his phone, surprised. Ashton took the moment to snatch the phone from Calum’s hands, earning a yelp of protest, and turned off the song quickly. Sure, he may have just ruined the moment, but, watching the way Calum’s eyes crinkled with laughter when Ashton tried to drive and keep Calum’s phone away from his grabby hands, he was pretty sure it was worth it.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Alright, fine, I won’t play 'Don’t Stop'.” Calum groaned when Ashton gave him his phone back. “But can we still listen to your music? I’ll pick the better ones.”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton bit back a smile. “Better ones?” He repeated. “You mean, there are some that you don’t like?”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Calum shrugged. “Well, sure. Every artist has skips, Ashton.”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I— what?” Ashton asked, putting his hand on his chest in mock hurt. “Well, what are my skips then?”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Calum scrolled quietly through Ashton’s discography for a few minutes before speaking. “From your first album, we have 'Mrs All American' and 'Heartbreak Girl', but if you wanted to go into the B-sides…” Calum trailed off, giggling. “I’ll be honest, I don’t love 'Lost Boy'.”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton’s jaw dropped. “Get out of my car, you tasteless human being.”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Calum laughed loudly. “Hey, you asked!”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Alright, whatever. Those are understandable. The first album is never the best, anyways.”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton dismissed. “What about 'Youngblood'? Does that album have skips?”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Calum shook his head immediately. “Absolutely not. And I’m not saying that because it’s your most recent album. Youngblood is a fucking masterpiece.”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton nodded in approval. “You’ve regained taste.” He said.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Calum laughed again, pressing shuffle on the 'Youngblood' album. After a few songs had played, he turned down the volume and looked over at Ashton. “Hey, Ash?”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Yeah?”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Would you ever…” Calum trailed off, sounding embarrassed. “Would you ever write a song about me?”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton smiled softly. He didn’t even need to look at Calum to know that his eyes were sparkling with hope. He cleared his throat, keeping his eyes trained on the road and a playful tone to his voice. “That’s the thing about songwriting, Cali.” Ashton said. “I don’t like to, you know, name who the song is about. That way, the fans can make it about whoever they want. No strings attached kind of thing. And, well, I know you’re a fan, so I’ll do you the favor of letting you decide.”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Calum was quiet for a moment, shaking his head as an amused smile made its way to his face. “Fuck you, Ashton Irwin.” He said, the cheery tone of his voice ruining his attempts to sound serious. Ashton laughed before Calum tried again. “Really, though. Would you? You can say no, I won’t mind.”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

And, yeah right. Calum would one hundred percent be hurt if Ashton said he would never write a song about him. And he had the right to feel like that. It made sense, after everything the two had gone through together.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton sighed softly and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, glancing at Calum through the corner of his eyes. Calum wasn’t even trying to hide it anymore. His eyes were desperate, almost begging Ashton to break into song right then and there.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

And, well, who was Ashton to tell Calum no?

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

_“You’ve got a million reasons to hesitate. But, darling, the future is better than yesterday. Wasted so much time on people that reminded me of you. Gave you a million reasons to walk away.” ___

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton continued singing in a soft, barely there voice for Calum. He wanted it to feel special, like the slightest sound would shatter the moment into a thousand pieces. By the teary look in Calum’s eyes, Ashton guessed he was doing something right.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_“I’ll give you the best years.” _Ashton stopped after the first chorus, not wanting to spoil the entire song for Calum. Well, that, and he wasn’t completely done with it.__

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Ash…” Calum tried to say, his voice as quiet as Ashton’s.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Calum, you are so special to me.” Ashton said softly, turning the car into the parking lot of the venue and parking the car in the back. “You’re the only one who I wouldn’t mind losing everything for, the only one who I never get tired of talking to, the only one who I can count on for anything. You can make me smile without trying. You are the only one I’m afraid of losing and the most important person I need to keep in my life. I can’t explain with words how much you mean to me, so hopefully that song helped you understand a fraction of it. Maybe this will, too.” Ashton took a deep breath, his and Calum’s hands now interlaced.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I love you, Calum Hood.”

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Calum didn’t miss a beat. “I love you, Ashton Irwin.”

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	23. 23

Calum had almost fallen over three times, and Ashton thought it was the funniest thing in the world.

“Would you stop laughing at me, you asshole?” Calum snapped, though his smile showed that he wasn’t being serious.

Ashton just giggled quietly, keeping his hands over Calum’s eyes and continuing to lead him through the parking lot and into the venue. He had been planning this surprise for a little over a week, and there was no way it was about to get ruined by Calum’s curiosity and lack of patience.

After a few more minutes of stumbling into the building, Ashton and Calum were inside. Ashton took his hands off of Calum’s eyes and immediately walked in front of him.

“Cal, look at me.” Ashton said quickly.

Calum groaned, but he kept his eyes locked on Ashton’s, clearly fighting the urge to look around the building. “I swear if you don’t tell me what’s going on—”

“We’re at a concert venue.” Ashton interrupted, a knowing look in his eye. He felt his heart thumping in his chest in excitement, and he was honestly worried that he was more excited than Calum.

Calum snapped his mouth shut as soon as the words left Ashton. “Fuck. Okay. Is there, um, is there a show here or…?”

Ashton nodded. “In a few hours, yeah. We’re here early.” Ashton explained. Calum held his breath, and Ashton could practically see the gears turning in his mind. He continued, a smile growing on his face as he spoke. “The artist and I are close friends, and, well, I managed to get us here before the fans showed up. Well, there are people waiting outside now, but I led you through the back entrance. We got some funny looks, but I don’t really give a—”

Calum cut him off, a look of realization gracing his features. “Ashton, shut the fuck up.” He said, his jaw dropping. “You didn’t…”

Ashton smiled widely, his dimples popping out. “See for yourself.” He said, stepping aside to reveal the stage.

Ashton kept his eyes locked on Calum, who brought his hands up to cover his mouth. His eyes started to shine with tears, and he let out a sound that was eerily similar to a whining puppy. Calum’s posture peaked as he shook his head in disbelief.

Ashton had been friends with Harry Styles for nearly five years. They had stayed in touch ever since he opened for Harry’s tour, along with the rest of his old boyband, One Direction, back when all Ashton had was an EP and a few singles. He and Harry were the closest out of them all, and they absolutely adored one another. It had been a few months since they’d last met in person, what with tours and promo never allowing their schedules to align, but, once Ashton quickly learned that Calum was a huge fan of Harry, he reached out to his old friend and set this up.

Harry wasn’t an idiot. He knew that there was something going on between Ashton and Calum, even if all he had heard was Ashton talking over the phone.

“You like him, yeah?” Harry had asked, his English accent drawing out his words.

Ashton scoffed, feeling heat rise to his cheeks. “That’s none of your business, Styles.”

Harry had just laughed. “Alright, alright.” He mumbled. “Well, if it ever _becomes _my business, I’m here for you. Louis and I have been putting up with this shit for years. I’d consider myself an expert in hiding relationships from the public due to a management that doesn’t like the fact that said relationship is between two guys.”__

____

Ashton laughed lightly. “That’s a very specific thing to be an expert at.”

____

“Everyone has hobbies, Ashton, try not to judge.” Harry teased, and Ashton could hear the satisfaction dripping from his tone.

____

“I see some of Louis’ sass has been rubbing off on you. He would be so proud.” Ashton replied with a laugh. “Whatever happened to the sweet, soft spoken Harry Styles?”

____

Harry giggled. “Died when I started dating Louis Tomlinson.”

____

And, okay, Ashton’s relationship with Calum became Harry’s business just a few hours later when he had called him back. Harry was probably the first person Ashton should have gone to when this entire mess started happening. He and Louis Tomlinson, another former member of their old boyband, had been together for as long as Ashton had known the two, and they managed to stay sane despite having to hide their relationship from everyone. Harry always said that they would get to come out one day, and that day would be worth everything.

____

Needless to say, Ashton loved Harry. He was happy to call him one of his best friends, especially after looking up to him as a musician for so long.

____

Harry’s slow, deep voice snapped Ashton out of his thoughts. “I’m Harry!” He announced in a cheery voice, hopping off of the stage and crossing the room to Calum and Ashton.

____

Calum let out a noise that sounded like the beginning of a sentence, but nothing else came from it. Harry just laughed lightly, his green eyes sparkling, and wrapped his arms around Calum’s waist in a hug. Ashton smiled behind the two, biting back his laughter when Harry mouthed _'he’s cute' _as he hugged Calum.__

______ _ _

When they pulled apart from the hug, Calum seemed to have regained the ability to talk. His voice was quiet, as if the slightest amount of noise would scare Harry off. “I… you’re Harry fucking Styles.”

______ _ _

Harry giggled, his dimples popping out. “You’re Calum fucking Hood.” He replied.

______ _ _

Calum’s eyes grew wide. “You… you know who I am?” He asked, shocked. “I can’t believe Ashton told you about me.”

______ _ _

“Oh, no. You’ve got it all wrong. I don’t know you as ‘Ashton Irwin’s boyfriend.’” Harry explained. “I know you as ‘the amazing photographer who I stalk on Instagram and who takes incredible pictures of one of my best friends.’”

______ _ _

Calum’s hand immediately darted up to cover his mouth. “Are you serious?” He asked, his voice breaking.

______ _ _

Harry nodded. “Sure am. And I would follow you, really.” He sighed and looked down at his glittery boots awkwardly. “But, you know, management and all that.”

______ _ _

Calum shook his head, going on about how just the fact that Harry Styles knew he _existed _was enough, but Ashton felt his stomach churn at Harry’s words. He tried not to think about the mistreatment he got from his management too much. After all, he’d still be posting covers on YouTube without them. But the fact that Harry, one of Ashton’s closest friends, couldn’t follow Ashton’s boyfriend because it might get people talking, well, that was just a load of bullshit in Ashton’s opinion.__

________ _ _ _ _

“Hello? Earth to Ashton Irwin?” Harry’s voice came back into Ashton’s mind, snapping him back into reality for a second time. He really needed to stop zoning out.

________ _ _ _ _

Ashton shook his head. “Sorry, sorry. Spaced out, I guess.”

________ _ _ _ _

Calum whipped his head around and glared at Ashton. “Excuse me? You don’t have the right to apologize for anything _ever _again.” He wrapped his arms around Ashton’s tiny waist, squeezing him tight. “I love you so fucking much. Thank you. I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”__

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton buried his nose in Calum’s curls. “You’re you, Cal. That’s enough.” He said softly.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Harry’s retching noises ruined what would’ve been a perfect moment, causing Calum to break apart from the hug with a laugh and Ashton to shoot a glare at his friend. “You two are disgusting.” Harry commented.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton scoffed. “Excuse you, Styles, I had to deal with you and Louis for an entire tour five years ago. I’d say that this is more than earned.”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Harry laughed lightly, nodding in agreement, but Calum just stared at Harry with wide eyes. “No fucking way.” Calum swore, his jaw dropped. “You and Louis… that was real?”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Still is.” Harry replied with a nod.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Holy shit! You guys have to hide your relationship, too, right? Like me and Ash?” Calum blurted out, continuing excitedly when Harry nodded again. “That’s great! Shit, I mean it’s not _great _, obviously, but, like, you can give Ashton and I tips, you know? Like, how much PDA is too much PDA when you’re not allowed to be together? And is it bad that Ashton holds my hand in front of paps sometimes? Wait, don’t answer that, I don’t wanna know. But, you can help us!”__

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Calum suddenly looked at Ashton, who was thoroughly enjoying Calum’s rambling. It was a nervous habit that he didn’t see much of anymore since Calum had gotten so comfortable around Ashton lately. “Not that Ash and I need any help. We’re great. We, you know, well, I get to go to all of his shows and then back on the tour bus with him and then back to the hotel and then most of the time, he fucks me and, Harry, let me tell you, we do _not _need help with that part of our relationship. I don’t know if you’ve ever gotten fucked by Ash, but it is something else. I mean, I could just—”__

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“And just like that, Calum Hood is done talking.” Ashton announced, speaking over Harry’s loud laughter.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Calum’s cheeks flushed red, and he bit his lip in embarrassment. “Sorry, that was a lot.” He mumbled.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Harry shook his head, wiping a tear from his eye. “No, no. That’s the most I’ve laughed in awhile.”

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton smiled, silently relieved that Harry wasn’t overwhelmed by Calum. “What, Louis not as funny as he used to be?” Ashton teased.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Haven’t seen him in weeks.” Harry explained, shrugging sadly.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton nodded in understanding while Calum just tensed awkwardly. Luckily, Harry caught on to the dark mood that had just arisen and started to brighten it up again. “But it’s alright. Cal, can I call you ‘Cal’?” Harry asked.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Calum nodded furiously. “Yes, fuck, yes.”

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You didn’t react like that when I called you ‘Cal.’” Ashton mumbled teasingly.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“That’s because I wanted you to call me something else.” Calum teased right back, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Revolting. How will I survive Cashton in all of their glory in these next few hours?” Harry asked, earning a laugh from Ashton.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Calum, on the other hand, just gaped again at Harry. “Hours?” He repeated.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Harry nodded. “Well, yeah. I’m gonna need someone to take pictures at soundcheck. Backstage, too.” He shrugged. “Plus, then I can follow you on Instagram. Ooh, maybe you’ll get verified thanks to my follow. God knows Ashton’s isn’t enough.”

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton smacked Harry on the arm teasingly, while Calum just giggled, his eyes sparkling as the two followed Harry backstage.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Yeah, this was gonna be the best night of their lives.

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ilu harry styles


	24. 24

Calum didn’t think that Ashton had any more surprises up his sleeve.

He thought he had seen it all. After getting to see him perform every night, sit next to him on planes, get papped occasionally, Calum thought that there was nothing more to Ashton.

Clearly, he had never been more wrong in his life.

Sure, Calum was a little worried that he made a complete fool of himself in front of Harry Styles when they first met, but he had gotten a bit more comfortable around him now, which was something that he never thought he would be able to tell himself. But Harry just had a certain energy about him that made Calum feel like he had known him all his life. He supposed that was why Ashton was so close with Harry, as he was another person who made Ashton feel safe.

And that was all Calum wanted, really. For Ashton to feel safe. Safe and happy.

Judging by the familiar sunshine smile on his boyfriend’s face, Calum was pretty sure he was getting exactly what he wanted.

“It was absolutely amazing to finally meet you, Calum.” Harry said with a smile, pulling Calum in for one last hug.

Calum smiled right back and nodded. “You, too. Thank you for… for everything. Especially 'Fine Line', it’s incredible. You’re a perfect human being, Harry Styles.”

Harry laughed, and Calum heard Ashton’s giggles in the background. But he didn’t really care. It was Harry Styles, Calum was allowed to still be in awe.

“We’ll go to our seats, then?” Ashton asked, glancing at Harry.

Harry scoffed. “If by seats you mean the VIP boxes.” He teased.

Calum’s jaw dropped. Again. “You’re kidding.”

Harry beamed. “I’m not.” He replied, laughing again when Calum began to stammer out a stream of _'thank yous' _. Harry turned to Ashton, who was staring fondly at Calum. “Ash, could you give me and Calum a second?”__

____

Ashton blinked in confusion, but he nodded nonetheless. “Um, yeah. Of course. I’ll be in the box, alright?”

____

Harry nodded, him and Calum waving goodbye to Ashton as he ducked out from backstage and walked off. Calum looked up at Harry. “What’s up?” He asked.

____

“I just wanted to thank you, Calum.” Harry said, his voice sincere. “Ashton is one of my best friends, and I can see how happy you make him. I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you. It’s weird, seeing him so in love. But it’s a good weird. You’re really good for him, Cal. I hope you know how much you mean to him. I mean, I’ve only just met you, but I can see how important you are to him, and…” Harry trailed off, laughing lightly at himself. “I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

____

Calum laughed, his cheeks flushed red from all the compliments. “Just a bit. But it doesn’t take away from what you’re saying.” Calum wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist again, pulling him in for another hug. “Thank you, Harry.”

____

Harry held on tightly. “Thank you, Calum.” He pulled apart, a dazzling smile on his face. “Thanks for the pictures, too. They turned out great.”

____

Calum grinned, glancing over at the camera, which was laying on one of the chairs backstage. “I better get that follow.” He teased.

____

Harry laughed, pulling out his phone and waving it in front of Calum’s face. “Of course. Call me if you ever need anything, yeah? You’ve got my number now.” The two hugged one last time before Calum ducked out from backstage, jumping in surprise when he caught the attention of about fifteen fans who stood at the barricade.

____

“Calum!” One of the girls at the barricade yelled out, earning more excited screams.

____

Calum whipped his head around to look at her, shocked that she, and the people around her, knew who he was. He hopped off of the stage and went over to the group of people huddled together. “Um, hi?” He greeted, although it sounded like more of a question.

____

The group of four girls, who Calum had focused his attention on, all waved and smiled wide at him. “What are you doing here?” The first girl asked.

____

“Oh, um…” Calum trailed off nervously, his cheeks flushing red. His mind raced with excuses, _anything _to get him away from prying and expectant eyes. He knew the girls meant well, and they were just curious. Calum also knew that he was taking far too much time to answer, especially when the girl cleared her throat to get his attention. Calum laughed awkwardly. “Sorry, um… I’m here with Ashton, y’know?” He mumbled.__

______ _ _

The girls’ smiles grew, making Calum exhale in relief. “Yeah.” Calum said, more confidently. “Yeah, I’m here with Ashton.”

______ _ _

Calum talked to Harry’s fans for a few more minutes, agreeing delightedly when they asked for a photo with him, before walking back towards the VIP boxes with a wave. Once he walked inside, he came face to face with a grinning Ashton, who looked him up and down expectantly.

______ _ _

“Fans of yours?” Ashton teased, moving to stand next to Calum and wrapping his arms around his waist.

______ _ _

Calum smiled softly and pressed himself against Ashton’s chest. “Thanks to you.”

______ _ _

Ashton simply hummed in response, swaying back and forth to the beat of the music playing before the concert started. Harry said that he liked to put together a playlist for the fans to listen to before his show, and, as Calum danced calmly with Ashton, he reminded himself to ask Harry for the playlist later.

______ _ _

After a few songs had played, Ashton spoke up. “What did you talk with them about?”

______ _ _

Calum bit his lip. “They, um, they asked me what I was doing here.” He responded, looking up into Ashton’s eyes in search of any kind of worry or anger, continuing when he saw nothing but love. “I told them I was here with you.”

______ _ _

Ashton nodded slowly. “Management’s not going to be happy about that. If they find out, that is.”

______ _ _

“I’m so—”

______ _ _

“Don’t apologize, Cali.” Ashton quickly said, trailing his hand along Calum’s jawline gently. “We can deal with them later. Tonight, it’s just us.”

______ _ _

Calum nodded, pressing his lips up close against Ashton’s.

______ _ _

“Just us.”

______ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is so short donthateme


	25. 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i think this chapter will be my last one for this update bc its pretty long n ends on a nice lil spot so enjoy :)

Calum had been to countless concerts in his life, thanks to Ashton, and he always found it hard to focus on anything else around him except for the artist.

Calum loved watching the people he idolized up on stage, doing what they loved in front of thousands of people. He loved capturing the moment, either with a camera or just with his eyes, and looking back at it when he was feeling down. Because seeing somebody fulfilling their dreams was just amazing for Calum to watch. He felt so proud, even if he didn’t know the artist.

But it was different at Harry’s concert.

Calum supposed that he should be watching Harry as he danced around on stage with a dazzling smile, but his eyes kept falling on Ashton’s face and his ears only seemed to hear Ashton singing along to Harry’s words. This boy was really doing something to him if he kept stealing his focus away from Harry fucking Styles.

Ashton, of course, picked up on it. “Cal, I didn’t bring you here so you could watch me watch Harry.” He teased, resting his head on Calum’s shoulder as they stood back to chest.

Calum tilted his head to the side, huffing slightly. “Then stop looking so cute.”

Ashton rolled his eyes playfully, taking his head off of Calum’s shoulder and carefully guiding his eyes back to the stage. “Just listen to this next song, okay? I know it’s one of your favorites.”

“Alright, alright.” Calum mumbled, waving Ashton’s hand away from his face and leaning against his chest gently.

Calum kept his eyes trained on Harry, swaying calmly back and forth with Ashton as his song 'Canyon Moon' came to an end. Harry flashed the crowd a quick smile and grabbed his mic, clearing his throat before speaking. “How’s everybody feeling tonight?” He asked, earning excited cheers and screams from the crowd. “Good! I’m feeling good, too!”

Harry continued to talk, walking around the stage as he did. “Before I play this next song, I wanna talk for a bit, if that’s alright.” His smile grew as there were more screams in response. And then Harry’s eyes drifted up towards Calum and Ashton, as they stood together in the VIP box. “Some of you might already know this, but one of my best friends is here tonight. His name is Ashton Irwin, have you heard of him?” Harry asked, laughing when the crowd erupted into loud cheers.

Harry nodded. “Good, that’s good. I’d be a bit offended if you haven’t heard of him. I mean, he toured with me and the boys for almost a year.” Harry added, the crowd getting louder at the mention of One Direction. Harry laughed again, glancing up at Calum and Ashton once more before looking back down at the crowd. “I also met Calum Hood. You know him?” The crowd was quieter this time, but the volume still made Calum smile softly and think of the group of girls that he spoke to before the show.

“Calum’s a very talented photographer. I had him take pictures before the show, and they’re _incredible _. Especially on such short notice.” Harry added, making Calum’s cheeks flush in embarrassment. “Anyways, he’s here with Ash, who told me that Calum’s been a fan for a while. And, well, he said that this next song is one of Calum’s favorites. And, if I’m honest, Ashton’s the one who arranged this whole show for you all.”__

____

Calum’s mouth fell open as the crowd cheered again. He didn’t know why he didn’t question what Harry was doing here before. He wasn’t touring just yet, so this was just a one night surprise show. Calum looked up at Ashton in shock. “You did all this?” He asked.

____

Ashton nodded, placing a quick peck on Calum’s cheek. “For you, I’d make Harry Styles do a thousand more shows.” He said, giggling when his words didn’t sound quite as romantic as he meant.

____

Calum didn’t care though. He just leaned against Ashton’s chest even more, looking back down at Harry, who looked to be nearly done with his speech. “So, this next song is a bit of an older one. It’s called 'I Want to Write You a Song', sing along if you know the words!” Harry set his microphone back into the stand and began to play a soft melody on his guitar.

____

Calum’s smile grew impossibly wide as Harry sang, he and Ashton swaying back and forth to the beat. The crowd sang the words along with Harry, whose voice carried throughout the venue beautifully. Calum felt, well, he felt perfect. Like everything was right in the world. Like, at this moment, he and Ashton were flying. Flying above management, headlines, all of it.

____

Like no matter what happened, they would be okay.

____

_“With just a hint of pain for the feeling that I get when you are gone.” _Ashton sang softly, trailing his hand down Calum’s cheek as they swayed. _“I wanna write you a song.” _____

_______ _ _ _

Calum looked up at Ashton, smiling at him fondly. Ashton didn’t seem to care that Calum’s attention had been torn from Harry. He connected their lips in a gentle kiss, while Calum internally thanked Harry for giving them the VIP box that was hidden from the sight of fans. Calum felt Ashton’s hands at his waist, spinning him around until they were chest to chest and Calum’s back was to the stage.

_______ _ _ _

But Calum didn’t care.

_______ _ _ _

Because his eyes were on Ashton, his ears trained to Ashton’s voice, and his heart in Ashton’s hands. “You’re beautiful.” Calum murmured in between kisses, trailing his hands up and down Ashton’s sides. He felt Ashton tense at the motion, but Calum just kept kissing him, whispering sweetly in between. “You’re so gorgeous, Ashton. Everything about you is gorgeous.”

_______ _ _ _

Calum moved one of his hands up to Ashton’s red curls, tugging on it slightly and leaving his other hand running up and down Ashton’s side. “This hair.” Calum whispered, pulling apart and looking Ashton in the eyes. “Those golden eyes.” Calum moved his hand back down to Ashton’s side slowly before licking the tip of Ashton’s nose playfully, earning a dimple filled smile from him. “That sunshine smile. God, I love your smile, Ash.”

_______ _ _ _

Ashton relaxed under Calum’s hands, bringing one of his own up to Calum’s cheek. He pulled apart from Calum’s lips and pressed their foreheads together. “I love you.”

_______ _ _ _

Calum opened his mouth to say it back, but he was cut off when he heard another voice coming from the stage. A voice that wasn’t Harry’s. Ashton’s eyes darted from Calum’s eyes to the stage, and his entire body stilled.

_______ _ _ _

“Holy fuck.” Ashton swore, his eyes widening. Calum looked at him in confusion, but Ashton just spun Calum back around so he was facing the stage again.

_______ _ _ _

Harry’s voice echoed throughout the venue over the excited screams from fans. “Allow me to introduce someone who means the world to me, Louis Tomlinson.”

_______ _ _ _

Calum’s jaw dropped when Louis flashed the crowd a smile and picked up the chorus of the song again, his voice smooth. _“Giving back is all I wanna do.” _Louis sang, his eyes locking with Harry’s fondly.__

_________ _ _ _ _ _

The two sang the rest of the song in perfect unison, their voices blending together in harmony. Calum looked back up at Ashton during the last verse with shocked eyes. “Did you know?”

_________ _ _ _ _ _

Ashton shook his head, his eyes never leaving the stage. “Harry didn’t tell me about this.” He replied, holding Calum tighter when Louis wrapped his arm around Harry’s waist.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

Louis looked back at Harry to sing the last words, his eyes never leaving Harry’s. _“So anytime I’m gone, you can listen to my voice and sing along. I wanna write you a song.” _Harry joined in for the last words of the song, looking at Louis with undying love.__

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

When the song ended, the crowd went wild, Calum included. He and Ashton cheered loudly, and Calum was pretty sure he saw Ashton tearing up a bit. Louis and Harry smiled out at the crowd, Louis’ arm still tight around Harry’s waist, as the cheers grew louder. Harry glanced up at the VIP boxes and winked at Ashton, making Calum laugh loudly.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

And then Louis kissed Harry.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The room fell silent in shock for a moment before absolutely erupting into loud, supportive and accepting cheers. Ashton raised a hand to cover his mouth while Calum just cheered along with the crowd, forgetting he was more than just a fan now. Choruses of _“We love you, Harry!” _and _“We’re so proud of you!” _boomed throughout the venue, and Calum could see Harry’s own eyes shining with tears.____

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

After a few more minutes of just cheering, Louis blew kisses to the crowd and ran off stage with a smile at Harry. Harry shook his head fondly and grabbed his mic, waiting for the noise to die down before speaking. “Um, expect to see a lot more of me and Louis soon, I’d say.” He said, grinning when the response he got was more screams from the crowd. “I think it’s safe to say that Louis and I… well, lots of you have already guessed it, haven’t you?” Harry continued, his words slow.

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“He’s the most important person in my life. My best friend, my soulmate, he’s just… he’s the _one _, you know?” Harry went on, clearly feeling more confident at the screams of encouragement he was receiving. “I won’t get too sappy on you all, that’s not what you’re all here for. But thank you for being so kind to us. Always.” Harry wiped his wet eyes with the back of his hand, glancing up at Calum and Ashton directly before speaking again. “Love is love. And love is beautiful.”__

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And with that, Harry began to sing 'Fine Line', his last song on the set. Calum managed to tear his eyes away from the stage and looked up at a teary eyed Ashton. “Thank you.” Calum said softly.

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Ashton smiled at Calum, holding him impossibly closer. “You mean the world to me. You know that, right?” He asked. “I wouldn’t make my friend who happens to be Harry Styles do a whole one night only show for just anyone.”

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Calum snorted. “I should hope not. That’s considered a form of cheating, you know.”

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“Is it?” Ashton raised his eyebrows. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

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Calum just laughed again, his eyes making their way back to the stage to watch Harry. He and Ashton swayed back and forth, humming softly, as Harry belted out the last chorus. Once the song finished, Harry invited Louis for a final bow, his smile blinding.

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Calum watched as Louis whispered something into Harry’s ear, causing them both to burst out laughing. Even though the crowd’s cheers drowned out their laughter, it was clear that they were bursting with joy. They looked at ease with each other, like they were two halves of a whole.

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Calum was pretty sure that he and Ashton were like that, too. And he was pretty sure that they would be fine, if they did ever come out. Ashton was always sure to correct Calum, telling him it was “when, not if”. But he knew that Ashton was still scared. And, honestly, Calum couldn’t blame him. He was scared, too.

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Ashton seemed to understand what Calum was thinking, as he began to speak softly in his ear. “Everything okay, Cal?”

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Calum nodded, keeping his thoughts to himself. If he was honest, he was a bit jealous of Louis and Harry. Even though he wasn’t close with them like Ashton was, they were _out _. And they were still loved the same, or at least they were in that moment. And, to be fair, Calum didn’t know the half of what Louis and Harry had gone through in the past few years to get to where they were. He and Ashton had only been together for a few months, and it was almost unbearable to hide their relationship.__

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But Louis and Harry had done it, and if they could do it, so could Ashton and Calum.

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Ashton spoke again and held Calum closer, his words soft. “We’ll be alright, my love. I promise.”

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay larry yay  
> kudos n comments are appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> kudos n comments are always appreciated!


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